Saturday, October 17, 2015

A Letter to my Ugly Days.

gay pride, 2013, omaha, nebraska, lgbtq, gays, friends, friendship, benson, bunnies, gays of our lives, homies, lesbians, drunk, short shorts, daisy dukes, hat, gay boys, love is love, same love, homosexuals, drag queens,      Around this time, I tend to be irritable even with myself. I hate feeling like this. I want to do stuff and be out and about, but the voices scream louder than the rest of the year; they make my head hurt, they make my eyes burn, they make my body ache to move. I want to step outside of my house without the horror and panic tied to an anchor in the insides of my stomach. It makes me literally sick. And I can't help it. What else is there to do? The only thing that used to give me peace and relief is something that I refuse to do again; I am too old for that shit. The pain is not less than before though, but it's not any worse so I guess I have that going for me.

With that being said, I want to move on.
I don't want to write an entire post on my ugly days. That's depressing enough.

Let me catch you up on what I have been up to.

So I started a blog in which I put myself out of my comfort zone to write about it. I've called it which is self-explanatory, I hope. Meaning, I live in Nebraska and I want to live a 'normal' life doing things I never thought I'd do, especially with certain voices in my head. So far, it's been helping to make me go out to shows which still make me anxious to cross the door and look around, but I am doing my best. I have to have my hands busy with a few drinks, but it helps. It's therapeutic, the blog, in a way; but I need to work on bring it back to what I want it to become. It's a work in progress I guess.

Work. My one year anniversary at the clinic will be next month, and there is nothing that I love the most but going in to work. The people are awesome, and I have so much fun with them, as I learn medical and insurance terminology. I'll take it over any fast food job, although I will consider it again as a second job because I am up to my neck in debt with my credit cards. I manage, but I need to get out of it NOW. Mitch and I complement and help each other in our finances which is the best in a relationship. Work with your partner and find a balance.

Love. Last September Mitch and I turned four years being together. I had initially planned on proposing at our annual vacation, but it didn't turn out the way I wanted it, so I had to reschedule and plan something different. I want it to be special. I'll come up with something. In the meantime, we are having fun and doing just fine. Our dogs are great, and I couldn't ask for anything else at the moment.

Family. My brother is finally twenty-one, doing his best for his family, and his daughter is walking! That's amazing. The youngest brother will be twenty soon, and I am so proud of him as well. Mother is also doing okay, I guess. I can't complain. There is nothing crazy going on, so I don't even know why I am writing, I guess I just need to get my head straightened out. Clear my mind before it gets too cluttered and start seeing things that aren't, especially in a day like today.

I can count the ones I have at the moment with the fingers in my hand, and I am okay with that. There is not much going on there either, we hang out when we can, when they pick up their phone, or when they call me last minute being their last choice. Something needs to be done about that, for the good or the better. But that's whatever. We gain some, we lose some. Life is such.

But I am grateful and blessed to have the life I have at the moment.

If you, reading this, want a friend loyal and always down for a good time, I am here! I promise I am not as depressive as I sound, I just vent on here, but I am fun and I may say a few jokes also. Give it a try. I come with a funny boyfriend and two dogs! The whole package!