Sunday, February 22, 2015

Ugly Days

Since I can remember, I've had this phase when I physically hurt to get out of bed. I just want to be left alone under a rock. My mother tried to deal with it as much as she could, and once I moved out, it's been harder to do it alone. I have my own house to worry about so I have to push myself to resume my normal activities; and as soon as I step out of the house, I feel the sunlight melting my skin off. My heart accelerates, increasing the speed of my breathing, and making my stomach sick. I get dizzy, I am terrified to make any noise, I am angry at people for looking at me. I am disgusted with myself and the way I look and the way I inhale and exhale, and my hair growing the wrong way, and how my nails are shaped. The little details start to surface, and my eyes can spot every single one. I just want to find a safe place and remain there, away from everyone, scared shitless, horrified at the thought of burying my nails in my arms and take chunks of my flesh to make the internal pain a little more bearable. I call this phase my UGLY DAYS, and they are part of me in a regular basis. I've never told this to anybody, and it's embarrassing to admit this at my age, but I sadly believe I'm not the only one.
I usually laugh at myself for the silliest things that cross my mind, but there was a time when I couldn't do that. My thick skin has been hardwork and a lot of ugly situations that I stupidly put myself in. With time, I got better at letting things slide, and not take myself seriously when it comes to my feelings getting hurt. In the famous words of Eric Matthews from Boy Meets World, "tough luck, get a helmet!" and that's what I did. And it worked. There are times when the helmet gets heavy to carry around everywhere though. Even at my age, words still hurt.
Yeah, I have self-esteem issues, but that's not news, I've known this only my whole life; and I also have trust issues in myself as in every one else around me, but that's not a biggie, I only use my sarcasm to express my frustration and alienate people out of my life.  My insecurities have made sure to kick in always at the right moments, never missing a beat. I've gotten used to it, and I found ways to ignore them. I put myself right in the spotlight. Maybe it's just hiding myself by getting all the attention to myself, the opposite of what I want, but it works.
We all have issues, and I guess that's the main point of this entry, the reason of our existence must be to find a way to live with them, master them, show the world we can make them our bitch, and continue on living. We gotta face our fears, find out why we are terrified, and find a way to overcome them. Step by step. Don't jump all at once if you're not ready for the splash. We gotta start slowly, so you don't shy away if the first time doesn't work; remember what Aaliyah said, "if at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again..."
I know, I've been quoting here and there, but it's my positive attitude and enthusiasm that has gotten me through those Ugly Days. The bright side of every situation is what keeps me going, and it's hard to find one, but there is. Breathe slowly, close your eyes, breathe in again, and you'll see it. Then ask yourself if there's anything you can do to change the situation, and if there is, then go ahead and don't waste time thinking about it. Be about it. I never thought I'd be able to work at a clothing store because of my looks and stuff, and look at me now, dressing other men in suits and what-nots; and the clinic, because of my thick accent, I was terrified to pick up phones and taking important messages for doctors, but I am still doing it. I have to put myself out there and get going. Of course I get the one asshole saying that he can't understand what I say, but I know I'm smart and stronger to take their shit so I play along, and put them back in their place. I guess my sarcasm and being rude when it's needed is the shield I need to make it through. Sadly, nobody ever say to play clean. This is a dog-eat-dog world. Sorry about it. Remember to get a helmet.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

January 2015 Highlights

There was a time when I hired both my brothers to work with me at the restaurant I managed, and it was awesome. It was the youngest's first job, and I was proud of him when he started to master the position he was hired for; obviously I couldn't tell anyone that we were related, but I did brag about the good decision I had made by offering him the spot. The oldest had become a father to cutest little girl, and he's done his best to keep his little family going; I give him props, sometimes I don't know what to do with my dogs, but he's taking care of a human being, not too easy to do. Parenthood never is, and he's doing just fine. Mom continues to work hard as she always has, and supporting us when she can, You know, the way mothers do.

My social circle has become smaller as time goes on, and this seems to happen to everyone as we grow older. Whatever the reason may be as to why we become just acquaintances, it's on both ends --children, jobs, distance, etc-- and it is understandable. But if we know each other, and you have a chance to meet and catch up, let me know, I am always available to reconnect. I'd love to hear what you been up to, and share with you my latest mistakes as well. I keep this blog to update anyone that takes the time to read about my deepest thoughts, and also because it helps me unravel my mind after a long week. I used to keep a journal, but since my life has become monotonous due to work and lack of excitement, this is the best that I came up with. Wicked.

As some (if not most) of you know, the Boyfriend and I have adopted a new dog whom we named Frankie (full name is Francisco Miguel), and we are happy to have him with us. One of the best feelings in the world is coming to a house where two little someones are excited to see you even if you left only for five minutes. In our personal life, the Boyfriend and I are going on our fourth year together, and we're just waiting on Nebraska to allow us to marry; it'd be great to close the circle of our relationship and make it "official." Not that marriage is a MUST, but it'd be cool to put a ring on it, and be able to claim him in my tax returns :) in all seriousness though, I come to a happy home, a cooked meal, two dogs that love me, and a man that I can't live without. 


Saturday, February 7, 2015


No, it wasn't the time when I was told I couldn't sit at a certain table; it was my senior year, I just had transferred schools, and I was trying to make friends, but I guess they just didn't want to be friends with me. I ended up sitting with the cheerleaders later on though. Suck on that!
No, it wasn't the time when the guy that I was crushing on found out it was me the secret admirer that he had been texting back and forth. While incognito, he asked if I had a Facebook, and I had no idea what that was so I said that I didn't which was true because at that time, that social media was offered only to college students, and I was a junior in high school. He was amused and flattered, but unfortunately he still remained a heterosexual. Pitty lol
No, it wasn't the time when my Physical Education moved to the baseball field, and I missed every single time I had to bat. Joke was on them when we had to play soccer; I had a laugh watching them try to kick the ball. I knew enough English by my sophomore year to tell them that they SUCKED!!!

Till this day, I believe that my most embarrassing moment was in my freshman year when I fell on my face while running laps in the basketball court. I got back up right away and laughed it off, but the more other kids asked me if I was okay, the more I had to double check myself and confirm that I was actually okay; so I went to the restroom to check on my lips since they started to throb. My face and lips on the outside were okay, but when I lifted the upper lip, I lost it at the sight of my front tooth cracked. I started to shake and panic; it didn't hurt, but it was tender to the touch. I tried to play it off, trying to convince myself that it'd be okay, but after five minutes of returning to the gym, I requested to go to the nurse. My mom was notified of the situation and she had to take me to the Emergency Dental Care by school orders.
Needless to say, I had to get that tooth removed because it was dead and it could infect the rest of my teeth, and due to lack of money to get the whole procedure done, I was without a tooth for a month. It was awful. And when I finally got it done, it only lasted for a year before it turned greenish; so there are quite few horrible pictures when I smile and I have 'something' in my teeth, but that's just the awful work I had done. Recently, after a few extra overtime hours at a better paid job, I was able to afford better procedure, and I am able to smile more comfortably. It is something that I avoid talking about because I find it very embarrassing, but this blog has helped me get stronger, and to just get stuff out of my head. I feel like once unloaded into this blog, it doesn't haunt me, and I can move on. I guess it is true that facing your fears and ghosts make them go away.
Give it a shot. Find a way to face whatever is taunting you, and let it go.