Saturday, October 17, 2015

A Letter to my Ugly Days.

gay pride, 2013, omaha, nebraska, lgbtq, gays, friends, friendship, benson, bunnies, gays of our lives, homies, lesbians, drunk, short shorts, daisy dukes, hat, gay boys, love is love, same love, homosexuals, drag queens,      Around this time, I tend to be irritable even with myself. I hate feeling like this. I want to do stuff and be out and about, but the voices scream louder than the rest of the year; they make my head hurt, they make my eyes burn, they make my body ache to move. I want to step outside of my house without the horror and panic tied to an anchor in the insides of my stomach. It makes me literally sick. And I can't help it. What else is there to do? The only thing that used to give me peace and relief is something that I refuse to do again; I am too old for that shit. The pain is not less than before though, but it's not any worse so I guess I have that going for me.

With that being said, I want to move on.
I don't want to write an entire post on my ugly days. That's depressing enough.

Let me catch you up on what I have been up to.

So I started a blog in which I put myself out of my comfort zone to write about it. I've called it thegodlife402.com which is self-explanatory, I hope. Meaning, I live in Nebraska and I want to live a 'normal' life doing things I never thought I'd do, especially with certain voices in my head. So far, it's been helping to make me go out to shows which still make me anxious to cross the door and look around, but I am doing my best. I have to have my hands busy with a few drinks, but it helps. It's therapeutic, the blog, in a way; but I need to work on bring it back to what I want it to become. It's a work in progress I guess.

Work. My one year anniversary at the clinic will be next month, and there is nothing that I love the most but going in to work. The people are awesome, and I have so much fun with them, as I learn medical and insurance terminology. I'll take it over any fast food job, although I will consider it again as a second job because I am up to my neck in debt with my credit cards. I manage, but I need to get out of it NOW. Mitch and I complement and help each other in our finances which is the best in a relationship. Work with your partner and find a balance.

Love. Last September Mitch and I turned four years being together. I had initially planned on proposing at our annual vacation, but it didn't turn out the way I wanted it, so I had to reschedule and plan something different. I want it to be special. I'll come up with something. In the meantime, we are having fun and doing just fine. Our dogs are great, and I couldn't ask for anything else at the moment.

Family. My brother is finally twenty-one, doing his best for his family, and his daughter is walking! That's amazing. The youngest brother will be twenty soon, and I am so proud of him as well. Mother is also doing okay, I guess. I can't complain. There is nothing crazy going on, so I don't even know why I am writing, I guess I just need to get my head straightened out. Clear my mind before it gets too cluttered and start seeing things that aren't, especially in a day like today.

I can count the ones I have at the moment with the fingers in my hand, and I am okay with that. There is not much going on there either, we hang out when we can, when they pick up their phone, or when they call me last minute being their last choice. Something needs to be done about that, for the good or the better. But that's whatever. We gain some, we lose some. Life is such.

But I am grateful and blessed to have the life I have at the moment.

If you, reading this, want a friend loyal and always down for a good time, I am here! I promise I am not as depressive as I sound, I just vent on here, but I am fun and I may say a few jokes also. Give it a try. I come with a funny boyfriend and two dogs! The whole package!

xoxo

Monday, July 27, 2015

Let Me Tell You About My Heroes...


     Up until I was sixteen, I had lived and been raised as an only child. My grandmother had taken me in while Mother was in the USA living the American Dream.
It was a great childhood, don’t get me wrong. I had all my needs covered, and my grandmother always corrected me when I misbehaved and when I called her 'Mom'; I grew up knowing she was my Grandma, but to me, she was MOM. Today, I am who I am because of how she shaped me to become, and I think she did a pretty good job. I am responsible, reliable, friendly, hard-worker, and I know when to pick my battles; life is not to take too seriously. No one comes out alive! She is my hero.
When I moved to the USA, my Mother took me in after I had lived with my aunt for a year. Both women are hard-worker, hilarious, and very strong minded. They have always worked two jobs if possible, and a side job for extra cash; they're always there for each other, celebrating our triumphs, and together in the bad times. Sure we have our rough patches, but so is life. We are Family, we all have our ghosts, but we're always come out above. These two ladies are my hero.

At sixteen, I had taken a job cleaning tables and washing dishes at a restaurant where my uncle worked; he is the brother of my mom's and aunt's. I overheard him once saying he didn't want me to start that type of job, washing dishes and shit, he didn't want me to do what he used to do. He wanted me to do something better paid. But I had no many options, you see, and I wanted to work. I needed the money. 
I worked at the restaurant for a year before I decided that I needed to learn English. My brothers were getting older, and I needed to be able to communicate with them. Mother would need help to translate, and I didn't wan to depend on somebody else to do what I should be doing. So I talked to Manuel, Mother's boyfriend, to see if he'd be able to back me up in going to school since that would mean my hours at work would be cut back. He strongly agreed, and I was extremely happy for it. I went back to my manager, Jesus, to tell him the good news; he had already told me that I had to go to school. I remember perfectly the day when he said something about it to me; I had worked a 12 hour shift and he was taking me home when he asked me how old I was."You're still young and you have your mom here. Take the opportunity to go to school," and what that being said, he switched my schedule to the evening and I was set to start the paperwork to go to high school.

In the years to come through High School, I hung out with the waiting staff at the restaurant; it helped me to improve my pronunciation and vocabulary. I knew I had an accent, so I had to work twice as hard to get it right since it would be difficult to understand me. At the same time, I was dealing with financial issues, family issues, and my sexuality; a few things to juggle at the age of seventeen which I guess would be consider 'normal' in this society. It could had been worse if I was back in Mexico, I want to look at the situation from that perspective. Thank God, I had a few people to lean on while I was going through those rough years. A few names come to mind, Rusty, Joseph, Salena, Kevin, Heather, Laura, Chad, Skyler, Lee, Mandy, Valerie, Flor, Gloria; they all were part of my life at some point when I was feeling low and they came swooping me back up. In their own way, they've helped shaped the type of person and friend I am now.

To wrap this up, when it comes to a HERO, do not dare to tell me who I can call my hero.
Heroes come with different capes and powers.
Heroes come to help the ones that need a hand.
Heroes are the ones to make a difference in someone's life.

In today's society, we are so involved in our own ego and bullshit that we get blinded and deaf to other people's struggle; we say we get it, we understand, we see where others come from, but we turn around and go two steps back. It's frustrating to have to explain each other why some things are the way they are. And it would be okay if we agree to disagree, and move on, sincerely learn from each other, and grow personally to better the future as a society. Where exactly am I going with this? I go back to Miss Caitlyn Jenner. She has been judged and personally attacked for being called a hero over other people, soldiers especially. I'm not here to bash on any one, but to try and make sense why Miss Jenner is considered a hero: of course she did not save lives like the soldiers have, but she is doing her part by speaking out for the LGBTQ community, for the youth coming to terms with their own sexuality in a society where you're attacked even for smelling different. Miss Jenner is speaking and standing up for the transgender community and make an impact in those that feel trapped, attacked, fearful for their lives every time they step into the streets of the country you all are so proud of, the land of the free that ostracize their own. Soldiers are fighting for our freedom, so why do we still marginalize others, especially someone who is helping a minority you continually put down?

Do not dare to tell me you're ok with gay and transgender people, but you go back to social media and flood your feeds with subtle pokes and jabs at them. Over and over. I get it, you don't know any different, you're homophobic, you need to educate yourself, you need time to get adjusted, and it's all ok; but do yourself a favor, and while you're doing any of the above, keep your mouth shut. By speaking non-sense, you're not exercising your freedom of speech, you're just making a fool of yourself, and becoming into the generation that your grandkids will be embarrassed in twenty years to come. Don't repeat history, we are better than that!

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Rest In Peace


My name is Adrian. I am laying in that coffin right over there; I've asked a friend to read this for me since I can't do it for obvious reasons. Nobody knows me better than myself, so why bother anyone else to write an eulogy on me? I'm sure I'd love it, but I bet that whatever it'll be said, it would only describe what the eye meets and what I wanted others to know. See, I've always hated how people become this saint-like once they pass away; they're immediately everyone's best friend, everyone will miss them, they are family oriented, high school graduate, a leader in the community, a loss indeed. But they leave out the bad stuff they did --…Why?

Not me, though. This is why I wanted to write this myself so you remember me exactly how I was, and you can nod in agreement. No shame. If you really know me, you will nod in agreement.

Family: I always bragged how much my Mother, brothers and I overcame in life, but behind the curtains I was also stressed out and I made mistakes. I argued with Mother several times over the years; more than often, I shut the door on my brothers so they'd leave me alone; a couple of times I blamed my situation on my family; I said and did things that I regret even now that I am dead. Thank God that I rectified my actions in time! And hopefully, my family and I left in good terms. As I always said, no matter the situation, we always stayed together; and this is how I learned that they are the most valuable  treasure in my life. I appreciate my Mother more than anything, with her flaws and all, she did what she could in a place where opportunities were limited. I love my siblings - from the ones that made it on their own, to the ones that I saw grow up into the strong hardworking men they are now. Fate took us in different paths, but God has been with us all along; I may not be very religious, or go to church every Sunday, but I prayed to thank the goods that I've gotten, and also for the bad moments that helped me get stronger. I guess you can say that Faith works miracles.
Mitchell: For years you put up with my shit. My controlling and jealous rants. My lazy and Ugly days. My sickness and my down times. My skinny and my fat phases. My moodiness and my unexpected rage. I love you like I've never loved anyone else. You took me in when you didn't have to, and you dealt with what others didn't get to see, and I hope I wasn’t as bad as I think I was. Sure I had my good moments, but I admit that I am a very hard person to live with, and I cannot express enough how grateful I am to God that I found you and that you loved me to the extent to stick around for this long. Please take care of our babies, as you know very well, I love them so much that my heart ached as I took my last breath. They will watch after you as I watch over you from above in heaven or below in hell, wherever they send me; I'm sure that I'll be having fun with homies James Dean and Amy Winehouse. I'll say hi for you.
Friends: Most than likely, I made fun of you at some point and I told you it was just a joke, and it was; but if you still resent me for such act, I understand. I hurt your feelings, and I feel bad about it, but it probably needed to be said, and you know it so get over it. I still love you, eternally. Also, I'm sorry I bailed in our promised dates that we were supposed to hang out but I canceled because I was having an Ugly Day, or simply because I was lazy and I wanted to bum around the house. I apologize if I ever disappointed you which I'm sure I did. I'm sorry when I called you a bitch, when I lied to you and I didn't give you a ride. I'm sorry for not filling in when your date bailed, and for not making it to your wedding and children's birthdays. I'm sorry I didn't get your Christmas presents. I'm sorry if I ever talked shit about a friend of yours just because I didn't stand them; or if I hated on your favorite singer which I did all the time -but admit that I had better taste in music! I'm sorry if I missed a important event in your life and that our friendship strained by distance in between; I should have been more annoying and stayed in touch. I promise to come visit you often now that I will have the chance to just chill. Evil laugh.

Other people: I fucking hated you. There was a reason why I was rude and mean to you. Don't cut me off or flip me off when I'm driving, bitch I followed your ass home. Don't try to act superior than me or anyone else, I will bring you back down to Earth spelling each word so you understand how much of an idiot you are. Don't act tough in front of me, I will laugh, sneak a picture and post it all over the internet to expose your trashy ass; if there's anything I was good at, it was probably my avid talent to destroy names. I was probably a scumbag, coward, afraid of confrontation and a punk ass bitch. And that's okay with me. You can say it, if you think it as well. I matured in the past decade, and you probably met the improved Adrian, but don't forget the mean things I did and said, please, because I meant every single one. I faced the consequences of each act on its time, and I will be the one in God's presence to explain myself; so don't worry, speak up and say it how it is. God knows I wasn't an angel, and the devil knows what I still keep to myself.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Friends Forever



Recently I have lost a friend --more of an acquaintance, but same difference nowadays. 
No, she didn't die; she's okay, but the situation killed what could have been a good friendship. And this made me wonder if I really am an asshole of  a friend as she stated I am, what do you all think? I admit my faults, and I know that I bail on dates and hang-outs and chilling, whatever word we used for our encounters, but 99% of the time, I am working. You can swing by my jobs and you will find me there, no doubt.
Last year I treated myself to floor tickets to several concerts, so I had to come up with the money to pay off the credit cards; I also traveled to Chicago for the first time without family, and I also had to cover such expenses. This year has started badly with Mitchell getting into a car wreck, and the consequences are pricey, plus medicine that I have been put on and the usual bills that we cannot escape from. We all have our issues going on, and if I ever miss out on a very important event in your life that you wanted me to join, I really am sorry. I'm sure I tried to make it work, but sometimes we must go with the daily responsibilities.
I know that I make rude comments here and there; I know I risk getting my teeth knocked out, but if I talk shit, I am ready to face the repercussions. Call me out if I ever say something that you find offensive or simply wrong, more likely I will apologize, take my words back, and make it right; I tend to make jokes that do not tickle everyone's funny bone, and that's okay, but let me know at that instant! Don’t let it build up, and one day out of the blue you explode in my face; I'd probably argue and we won't get anywhere. It'd suck to lose our friendship over something that can be fixed in a matter of seconds. You might think that I probably should watch my mouth if I want to keep my friends, but the problem is that I blurt out whatever is in my mind before I can bite my tongue; also, I believe that if we're friends, you should feel free to tell me to shut the fuck up. And most importantly, our friendship shouldn't be over because of a petty argument. Maybe we weren't as friends as I thought we were; maybe we only had good times together, but nothing further than that. Things happen for a reason, they say, and I am a firm believer.

Whatever happened between this person and I is irrelevant now. I surely knew that I didn't do anything wrong this time, but I still was left wondering if I really am shitty to you guys. I certainly don’t want to lose the ones that I really care about. 

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Ugly Days




Since I can remember, I've had this phase when I physically hurt to get out of bed. I just want to be left alone under a rock. My mother tried to deal with it as much as she could, and once I moved out, it's been harder to do it alone. I have my own house to worry about so I have to push myself to resume my normal activities; and as soon as I step out of the house, I feel the sunlight melting my skin off. My heart accelerates, increasing the speed of my breathing, and making my stomach sick. I get dizzy, I am terrified to make any noise, I am angry at people for looking at me. I am disgusted with myself and the way I look and the way I inhale and exhale, and my hair growing the wrong way, and how my nails are shaped. The little details start to surface, and my eyes can spot every single one. I just want to find a safe place and remain there, away from everyone, scared shitless, horrified at the thought of burying my nails in my arms and take chunks of my flesh to make the internal pain a little more bearable. I call this phase my UGLY DAYS, and they are part of me in a regular basis. I've never told this to anybody, and it's embarrassing to admit this at my age, but I sadly believe I'm not the only one.
I usually laugh at myself for the silliest things that cross my mind, but there was a time when I couldn't do that. My thick skin has been hardwork and a lot of ugly situations that I stupidly put myself in. With time, I got better at letting things slide, and not take myself seriously when it comes to my feelings getting hurt. In the famous words of Eric Matthews from Boy Meets World, "tough luck, get a helmet!" and that's what I did. And it worked. There are times when the helmet gets heavy to carry around everywhere though. Even at my age, words still hurt.
Yeah, I have self-esteem issues, but that's not news, I've known this only my whole life; and I also have trust issues in myself as in every one else around me, but that's not a biggie, I only use my sarcasm to express my frustration and alienate people out of my life.  My insecurities have made sure to kick in always at the right moments, never missing a beat. I've gotten used to it, and I found ways to ignore them. I put myself right in the spotlight. Maybe it's just hiding myself by getting all the attention to myself, the opposite of what I want, but it works.
We all have issues, and I guess that's the main point of this entry, the reason of our existence must be to find a way to live with them, master them, show the world we can make them our bitch, and continue on living. We gotta face our fears, find out why we are terrified, and find a way to overcome them. Step by step. Don't jump all at once if you're not ready for the splash. We gotta start slowly, so you don't shy away if the first time doesn't work; remember what Aaliyah said, "if at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again..."
I know, I've been quoting here and there, but it's my positive attitude and enthusiasm that has gotten me through those Ugly Days. The bright side of every situation is what keeps me going, and it's hard to find one, but there is. Breathe slowly, close your eyes, breathe in again, and you'll see it. Then ask yourself if there's anything you can do to change the situation, and if there is, then go ahead and don't waste time thinking about it. Be about it. I never thought I'd be able to work at a clothing store because of my looks and stuff, and look at me now, dressing other men in suits and what-nots; and the clinic, because of my thick accent, I was terrified to pick up phones and taking important messages for doctors, but I am still doing it. I have to put myself out there and get going. Of course I get the one asshole saying that he can't understand what I say, but I know I'm smart and stronger to take their shit so I play along, and put them back in their place. I guess my sarcasm and being rude when it's needed is the shield I need to make it through. Sadly, nobody ever say to play clean. This is a dog-eat-dog world. Sorry about it. Remember to get a helmet.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

January 2015 Highlights


        FAMILY 
There was a time when I hired both my brothers to work with me at the restaurant I managed, and it was awesome. It was the youngest's first job, and I was proud of him when he started to master the position he was hired for; obviously I couldn't tell anyone that we were related, but I did brag about the good decision I had made by offering him the spot. The oldest had become a father to cutest little girl, and he's done his best to keep his little family going; I give him props, sometimes I don't know what to do with my dogs, but he's taking care of a human being, not too easy to do. Parenthood never is, and he's doing just fine. Mom continues to work hard as she always has, and supporting us when she can, You know, the way mothers do.


        FRIENDS
My social circle has become smaller as time goes on, and this seems to happen to everyone as we grow older. Whatever the reason may be as to why we become just acquaintances, it's on both ends --children, jobs, distance, etc-- and it is understandable. But if we know each other, and you have a chance to meet and catch up, let me know, I am always available to reconnect. I'd love to hear what you been up to, and share with you my latest mistakes as well. I keep this blog to update anyone that takes the time to read about my deepest thoughts, and also because it helps me unravel my mind after a long week. I used to keep a journal, but since my life has become monotonous due to work and lack of excitement, this is the best that I came up with. Wicked.



  HOME
As some (if not most) of you know, the Boyfriend and I have adopted a new dog whom we named Frankie (full name is Francisco Miguel), and we are happy to have him with us. One of the best feelings in the world is coming to a house where two little someones are excited to see you even if you left only for five minutes. In our personal life, the Boyfriend and I are going on our fourth year together, and we're just waiting on Nebraska to allow us to marry; it'd be great to close the circle of our relationship and make it "official." Not that marriage is a MUST, but it'd be cool to put a ring on it, and be able to claim him in my tax returns :) in all seriousness though, I come to a happy home, a cooked meal, two dogs that love me, and a man that I can't live without. 



 LIFE IS GOOD. 
THANK YOU, JESUS.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

ADRIAN'S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT.

No, it wasn't the time when I was told I couldn't sit at a certain table; it was my senior year, I just had transferred schools, and I was trying to make friends, but I guess they just didn't want to be friends with me. I ended up sitting with the cheerleaders later on though. Suck on that!
No, it wasn't the time when the guy that I was crushing on found out it was me the secret admirer that he had been texting back and forth. While incognito, he asked if I had a Facebook, and I had no idea what that was so I said that I didn't which was true because at that time, that social media was offered only to college students, and I was a junior in high school. He was amused and flattered, but unfortunately he still remained a heterosexual. Pitty lol
No, it wasn't the time when my Physical Education moved to the baseball field, and I missed every single time I had to bat. Joke was on them when we had to play soccer; I had a laugh watching them try to kick the ball. I knew enough English by my sophomore year to tell them that they SUCKED!!!

Till this day, I believe that my most embarrassing moment was in my freshman year when I fell on my face while running laps in the basketball court. I got back up right away and laughed it off, but the more other kids asked me if I was okay, the more I had to double check myself and confirm that I was actually okay; so I went to the restroom to check on my lips since they started to throb. My face and lips on the outside were okay, but when I lifted the upper lip, I lost it at the sight of my front tooth cracked. I started to shake and panic; it didn't hurt, but it was tender to the touch. I tried to play it off, trying to convince myself that it'd be okay, but after five minutes of returning to the gym, I requested to go to the nurse. My mom was notified of the situation and she had to take me to the Emergency Dental Care by school orders.
Needless to say, I had to get that tooth removed because it was dead and it could infect the rest of my teeth, and due to lack of money to get the whole procedure done, I was without a tooth for a month. It was awful. And when I finally got it done, it only lasted for a year before it turned greenish; so there are quite few horrible pictures when I smile and I have 'something' in my teeth, but that's just the awful work I had done. Recently, after a few extra overtime hours at a better paid job, I was able to afford better procedure, and I am able to smile more comfortably. It is something that I avoid talking about because I find it very embarrassing, but this blog has helped me get stronger, and to just get stuff out of my head. I feel like once unloaded into this blog, it doesn't haunt me, and I can move on. I guess it is true that facing your fears and ghosts make them go away.
Give it a shot. Find a way to face whatever is taunting you, and let it go.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Great Expectations.

The other day at work, finally accepting that it was going to be a long day, I gave in and decided to get me some coffee. I usually bring my own coffee and creamer, but that day I was out of luck so I had to get what work offered. Whatever, I thought, I just need something to keep me awake. Trying to find the creamer in the cupboard, I totally missed it. I knew the sugar came in a big container that looks like the Springles container, but wider; and I was expecting the creamer to be in small packets like restaurants do. To my surprise, the creamer was also in a similar container as the sugar.
You may say, so what's your point? Well, this made me ponder… humans make the same mistake when we are looking for a partner. We're looking for someone in particular, but we may miss the right person just because it didn't look like what we were expecting. BIGGEST MISTAKE IN LIFE!

This is a situation I had discussed with a close friend of mine a few years back. He continues to complain how I don't have time to talk to him now that I found my other half; he gets depressed thinking that he may not find the right person any time soon. My advice has been to lower his standards, he's asking for too much and out of his league; not that he's ugly and he can't make it happen, because I've had my lucky strikes, but my logic has been pretty open minded, while he doesn't give a second look to someone that seems interested, for the reason that they don't meet his expectations. We have to be realistic and honest with ourselves; sure we deserve the best, but we have to keep our horizons abroad for anything. The best gifts don’t always come in the best wrapping. Now, he's gotten better luck, and when I ask how his trick looks like, he always starts with "well, he's not really that cute, but… he makes me laugh." I'm glad his perspective is changing, and that he's widening his choices, I'm happy that he's happy. I just wish everyone gave themselves the chance to open up and try something new, get to know someone you usually wouldn't go for. You could be surprised. You could gain a friend. Who knows!

Saturday, January 10, 2015

The Plastics

Photographer: Andrea Cortes 010115
I am going to dare to assume that we all have one person on Facebook that we always have something to say about; it's not that we don’t like this person, but we weren't friends to begin with. We accepted their friend request just because we happened to go to the same high school, or we met through a friend, or at a blank event, and we thought we might as well snoop around (maybe we have acquaintances that I actually care about.)
To my eyes, that's bullying. If not, at least some kind of harassment or intimation, whether this person knows about the comments we make about them, or not. As a grown adults we don't consider bullying as part of our daily lives, but have you ever called a woman 'disgusting' because she happens to be thick or overweight, and she still wears clothing that 'may look better in a skinny person'? How dare she, right? Have you called Justin Bieber, or any other male celebrity in his time, a fag? Yeah, still bullying. No, no excuses; there is no I AM JUST KIDDING.

The main reason why I am writing this entry is because I've caught myself in the act, and I am embarrassed. Here's the story. I started a new job, and as it tends to happen, we want to be accepted; we want to be taken into the circle. Once I start warming up, I believe that I have no trouble blending in and making a spot in the circle. But there is always somebody left behind, somebody that tried to talk to you first  because 'maybe, just maybe' because you are the new person, you might be their only friend. Then, it's like high school all over again. You get into the 'popular' crowd, and leave that person behind, right where they were. They're used to it; no harm done, they just thought that 'maybe this time will be different.' So now I hear the comments others make about certain person, and I put in my two-cents too; that's when I stopped. I tried to convince myself that I was only speaking the truth which in some sense, I am; but there are other ways to do it. I've never claimed to be perfect, at my age, I'm still learning from recent mistakes. And even though I have rectified my behaviour now, I still disapprove having done it, and seeing it happen. So here I am, once again back to this blog telling you how it is, doing my thing, speaking my mind as I admit to my shitty personality, that it is never OK to bully. Bullying doesn't stop at high school graduation; it follows us everywhere. Life gets better because we choose to ignore others and move on, but the mean people are still out there; filing their tongue as sharp as possible ready to bite a piece of anybody. Let's watch the way we talk, and live up to our own expectations, and make sure that our kids will grow up in a bully-free zone. We don't want them to go through what we went through, or even worse, to have them go through the same things we put others through. Do you?

Thursday, January 1, 2015

'Tis The Season That Is Over....

I DISLIKE XMAS.
The stress of buying gifts for everyone, the visible competition that seems to be going on behind closed doors of each family; the amount of money spent yearly, and the lack of humility. It just makes me sad.
I come from a poor background, and I'm sure many of you can relate to my struggle growing up and living from paycheck to paycheck. At some point, life seemed to be falling into place, but out of nowhere, every thing came crashing down. My family lost cars, houses, money, jobs; one thing after the other. But we had each other, and we counted on friends and people that gave us hope in humanity and helped us through those tough times. Christmas at home was just another night, and that was when I remembered the traditions happening in Mexico at the same time as other families here in the USA exchanged gifts. Now, these are two entire different cultures, and I understand the fact; it is also a religious event. As catholics, the people in my small town celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ by going to church, hosting the posadas, and enjoying of our friends and neighbors; I guess the food and complimentary goody bags are our version of gifts, if you must make an argument, but the goodies tend to remain a constant traditional candy, cookies, nuts, fruit, and the container that you'll put them in.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss the traditions in my hometown; we surely stick to them here in the USA, but it is not the same. Someday, I will be able to afford going back, filming, and showing you how big of an event it is.
Then, I opened my eyes, and the reality hit me again: there was no food in our fridge, some times we didn't have heat, but we had electricity and a roof over our heads; we improvised as we went along. The rough times made us stronger, and kept us together. Once things started to look up, we still didn't get presents under our tree because we didn't have a tree either; but we did have food, and I think that was more than enough.
At some point, I made a promise that I'd never fall into such trend of buying gifts and indulging others in this crazy financial cataclysm, and for years, I never bough anything for anyone. Then again, I also had personal rough times during the winter, so I spent the 'holiday season' hating everything and everyone. The past four years though, life has changed. Thank God!
My anxiety and 'ugly days' still linger, but the financial situation has improved. Maybe it has something to do with growing older, moving out on my own, having to put myself out there, and pushing myself to face reality head on. I do buy presents now, for my immediate family only though; I believe we deserve it after years of not having this luxury. I still don't want to get into that over-the-top gifts situation, and I can't afford them anyway, so I get them clothes. These are things that they will surely use, and let's face it, I got really good taste in clothes lol
This year I was also very excited about the whole tree, lights, ornaments, the music, and the company of my family and friends. Especially their company, and the food that comes along with it. As usual, the 24th we spent it at my mom's, we had our favorite dish, we watched a movie, and I took a nap in between. Then, the 25th, for the first time we hosted the dinner, and Mitch cooked delicious meal for his family. We exchanged gifts, we had some awkward silences, and we laughed it off, I drank the whole bottle of wine that my boss gave me, and we cleaned up after a successful night. It was a great holiday season, if I may say so.
While I wait for the day that I can visit my hometown, and share my culture with Mitch in my native land, I will share his culture here, and be grateful that I have come this far. Life is about lessons, and no matter how hard we'd had it, it gets better with time and hard work.