Thursday, December 4, 2014

The Shuffle.

I am giving in, and doing this 'put your iPod in shuffle and talk about the first five songs that pop up' thing; I thought it's a little overused, but I imagined I might as well add it to the tacky things I've done. These are the original five songs that played, not cheating.

"CUT" by Graham Colton
I had discarded this song from the list because it didn't bring many memories back, but I then realized how much the singer has been part of my life throughout the years I've been listening to his music. The first time I heard him play was when he opened for Avril Lavigne in 2007; there had been a crazy shooting at the mall in my city that year and he respectfully dedicated a song to the victims's families. I got to meet him after the show, and I thought he was a great, humble, down-to-earth talented guy. I became a fan instantly, so I created a Twitter account to follow his career, and he was my very first Follower on such social media app; he wished me Happy Bday a couple of times, he replied to comments on Facebook, he allowed me to use one of his songs for a project of mine, and mentioned me when talking about rooting for the Huskers (Go Big Red, not that I care for football). Of course the main reason why I admire him for is his talent, and I support him all the way; his music has accompanied my life for seven years, and he's made his fans part of his life as much as he's able to. I wish other artists did the same he does, but I guess his fame status allows him the luxury of closure with fans, and I'm okay with that. He probably wants more recognition, but I am sure he is in the business more for the love of art; I mean, I was going to buy all three albums, even though I already owned them, for what a regular album costs nowadays, but he only took $20 and put the rest of the money back in my hand, and emphasized HE LOVES MAKING MUSIC. And this memory has kept me supporting him all this time, wouldn't you do the same for your favorite independent artist?

"CRASH AND BURN" by Savage Garden
Ever since I can remember, I keep my eye open to catch something new that I may be interested in; and this band was one of the first ones that I discovered before I knew about them through a show. And I loved their music; I was fascinated. It was a different sound that captivated me, and it made me feel contemporary with a lifestyle that I could only live in my fantasies; but it kept that spark alive to continue striving for uniqueness and rising stars. This was Savage Garden. I blasted their album at 4am in Day of the Dead; I wanted people to listen and wonder who that was, and to look them up. But that was then; now, when I find a band that I enjoy, I want to keep it secret and to myself. I don't need the teenage mobs running after them when I only want to chill and get lost in the music. Now, this band reminds me of the times when I stayed up watching Dawson's Creek and searching every artist in its soundtrack album, thinking that maybe I'd like the rest of their stuff; it reminds me of the times when I started to discover my own taste and definition of who I am today through music.

A Spanish singing band that came off a soap opera whose appearance was based on a real pop music band from the 80s. I never got to watch all the soap opera, since my TV didn't have enough signal for that channel, but from the pieces that I did watched, I really enjoyed it. I bought the soundtrack which  I loved even more. It was different, but similar to the original band that they had been based on. This song in particular made a huge impact on my teenage years when I started to fall for a boy, and I was all dramatic and shit. I guess I also identified with the character that sang this song, and its catchy tune was the whole package for me. To this date, I still have a book full of magazine cut outs, and I tear up whenever I think about it. It's been over a decade, no pun intended to the name of the band that translated into English is a funky way of the word decade, and my skin still gets the chills whenever my iPod plays one of their songs; especially this one.

"GIVE ME TONIGHT" by Adore Delano
Ever since Danny Noriega and his YouTube alter ego 'Angel Baby' I had been a fan; I voted for him as a drag queen to get on past seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race, and when she finally made it, I was one happy and excited camper. I had been rooting for her from the second I found out that she was casted for season six. When the show finally came on air, I was a little disappointed for her performances, but I never stopped rooting for her; even if she was inexperienced next to the other girls, I was proud of her because she was putting up a good fight, and she was growing. It was great seeing her bloom and sprout, both professionally and personally. It was amazing when she made it to the top three, and even though she didn't win, I felt like she did. Adore has come a long way, and there is so much more for her, and as a fan, I will be rooting for her. Proof be told, her album released has been the most successful in Drag Race Herstory; it has a couple of WTF songs, but overall, it's a good album. And although I just found out this song in particular is a cover, and it's made me really sad, I still think she made a great performance and justice to it. Take a listen; it is worth it.

"AURA" by Lady Gaga
Y'all know I am a Little Monster (Paws Up), and although I still think that the original title to this song was the best option, I also respect the religious background and foundation that it came about. It is a great song, great and different sound from what we're used to hear from Mother Monster. In general, ARTPOP is a masterpiece, and it saddens me that she didn't take the time to promote and spread its meaning extensively; even more, it's sad the her own fans turned on her just because she tried something new. All her albums have been different from one another, silly geese. Open your pipe hole, or some of you should close it, and quit trying to make it all about yourself; more than likely, the artist will be doing what they feel like it, hoping their fans will like it too. If you don't like it, then don't come back with some stupid 'I liked her old stuff.' because I will slap you and tell you to go and worship Madonna whose music still sounds 90s and no risk at all --or she does try, but comes back with some cheerleader shit like WTF!!! Anyway, Lady Gaga. This song. When she released her iTunes performance, and this song was in it, I died with excitement. I had been waiting for a couple of years since the original title and its message had been leaked, and it was all I had expected. And the rest of the album as well. There are a couple of songs that are not relatable to me, or at least 90% of her followers, but the sound is dancy and good to play in the background while you drive with your windows down and sunroof opened so I'm not complaining.

And that is it.
Hope some of you enjoyed it, and let me know what you think of the music I have in my iPod.

Friday, October 31, 2014

The Million Dollar Question in Queer History.

How did you know you were gay?

                                                                   I didn't. 
My earliest memory that I recall perceiving a difference between me and the rest of the boys was in kindergarten. It was during a rehearsal for my graduation dance; each couple had been assigned, and I was not feeling it. No, I did not want to dance with a boy; and I definitely did not want to be a girl. I just knew that the girl-boy situation was not my cup of tea. But I was five years old, I did not pay attention to such things; all I wanted to do was color books and come up with different uses for my cars and trucks that Grandma had bought me every year on January sixth.

I grew up as an only child; yes, I do have another siblings, but they lived with my Mother (and that's a story I'll tell you later). It was just Grandma and myself in the household, so any theory regarding too much female influence is out of the question; sure Grandma was there all along, but she raised seven other males and they all are as straight as they can be. In Mexico, mid-nineties, kids would gather in the street to play all evening, so I did have interaction with other boys, and we played games that boys played. But I always prefered the company of girls; I felt more comfortable. And that's the very first time when someone else pointed out my scarlet letter: MARICON.
I remember the boy that said it. And I remember that the rest of the kids giggled, maybe in embarrassment for me, or maybe out of fear because that boy was older and mean, or maybe they also agreed and were glad that someone finally said it. So I walked away. There was a fence in between my house and me, so I had to walk around it all while being laughed at, and told that I was no longer welcome to play with them. I remember that moment very clear, and I also remember the shame blurring my sight, burning down my cheeks. So if you ask me now the question at the very top of this entry, I can give you a more specific answer: I knew I was gay when someone called me a faggot, even before I knew myself what was going on. I knew I was gay when someone put shame on my name before I could figure it out myself. I knew I was different, I wasn't an idiot, but I just couldn't come up with a word to identify how I was feeling inside. I knew I was more sensitive and delicate than other boys, and I had heard grown ups whisper as soon as Grandma and I walked past them; but it wasn't an issue for me nor for Grandma. Until that evening when my world came crashing down at the sound of that word, and the echo of their laughter.
MARICON. PUTO. MANO CHUECA. I knew the meaning of these words at five years old. I had seen and heard them all before used on the town homosexuals. And I was ashamed and terrified to be called any of those names. I hated every single one of those words. I was five years old and each word stung me, bruised me, scarred me. Even though I knew I wasn't a slut (puto), and that my hand was not limp (mano chueca) and it had nothing to do with my being gay, I was still a maricon (faggot) in their eyes --because that's what they heard from their parents, from their family, from the friends, and other people around.

Now, tell me how did you know you were heterosexual?

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The Writer.

It was on my thirteenth birthday when I wrote my first journal entry. It was a notebook that Grandma bought here and took it to Mexico for me; it was the perfect gift. Besides the $1 chapstick that she gave me, but that's a whole different story that I'll probably tell you later. 
I went under drastic changes during my teenage years, and I saw myself losing control over my life. And it was the time when I needed an outlet to my feelings and thoughts that I started jotting down in that notebook about my mixed emotions. Ever since, for almost over a decade now, I have been keeping track of my life in paper; amounting to seven backpacks full of notebooks that I have filled out with every detail of my upbringing. From my experience with eating disorders to my decision to come to the USA; from the first ESL class to my first college paper, and everything else in between. I love the fact that I can open up a notebook and all my dirty little secrets will pour out; I love the fact that I can look back, read about the tough times, and remind myself where I come from. It keeps me grounded and humble. 
As I grow older, my life adventures have diminished. My life has become much of work, home, repeat; and I am not complaining, I enjoy my life. My point is, I really don't have much to write about in my journals anymore. So I started this blog, to share my life experiences with you, friends and strangers that happen to run into this. My journals are personal, I will be buried with them (okay, probably not, but they will continue to remain private); but this blog has given me the opportunity to reflect on my life, choose the event that I want to share, and that's what I do -hoping that my mistakes serve as a lesson for someone to learn from, and avoid making the same decisions. I am not a life coach, and I am not telling you how to live your life, but if anyone is lost and my experiences makes them feel like they're not alone, then my mission will be accomplished. Also, as I told a friend recently (when she asked why I am obsessed with blogging), it is therapeutic for me. Everyone have their own way to cope with stressful situations in life, in my case, I write. So it is my outlet, just as my journals were an outlet at some point, this blog helps me to sort out my mind. 
With that being said, I am not an example to follow either. I am just someone that wants to help you up when you need it. I do not intend to show off any of my 'accomplishments' either, if I have any; but I do want to highlight the things I've done for myself. I would like to call it a spark of hope, if my crazy ass can do it, so can anyone. We just need to keep on trying, never giving up, and we can do whatever we set our mind to. And that's why I continue to write, even if nobody is reading.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Friendships in our twenties.

Saying that I am far from perfect would be the biggest understatement ever told. Not just about myself, but about anybody. That's why we have others to tell us where, when, and how we fucked up; it's called being a friend, or just anyone that cares about someone. Yet, we continue to be selfish, childish, and stubborn. We choose to hold on to our perspective, and push aside the advice we get from others; unknowingly, sometimes we push a little too far, sending friendships down the drain.

Every so often we get lucky to have a second chance; some other times, as it has happened to me, it goes unnoticed and I play along -as if nothing is going on. Being the better person seems to be the only option, or as I call it, appreciating the person much more than they deserve. We're all human, and we all make mistakes. I usually look at life this way, it is the healthiest thing to do. There is no reason to throw more wood to the fire; if I said what it needed to be said, and my friend doesn't break the pattern, I will move on with my life. I did what I thought necessary, and as adults, we are responsible for our own actions. In 2014, I will hold you liable for every move you make; you have no valid excuses to withdraw from them.

As a friend of yours, if I see you doing something fucked up that may hurt you, I will tell you. There is no YOLO in my vocabulary. There are times, I admit, but not when you're at risk. If I see you are the one causing the pain, I will call you out on your bullshit. And I am willing to risk your friendship not because I don't care about you, but in the contrary; I give many fucks and that's why I get on our face. Besides harming someone else, you're also doing it to yourself, and to me; if I am willing to put a stop to your shit, I am risking your friendship, and that will hurt like a muthafucka. So it's a losing game for everyone, unless someone takes the first step towards a changing attitude.

I guess my downfall has always been that I care too much.
I guess my downfall has also been that I don't give a fuck.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Family Portrait

Life has been good to me in the past three years or so, and some times I wonder what it'd be like if I had stayed home. Mom understands that I was going to move out at some point in life, and as I had told a few people, I can't help feeling guilty for the way and the timing I decided to do it. Some times I wonder if Mother is resentful of me for this as well. But I know that deep inside, it was the best choice I had at the moment, and it stands truthful till certain point; I know Mom is happy for me and wants the best for me. And for this, I am blessed.

Not sure if I have told you guys about my upbringing. Not sure if I should..
Mom was young when she got pregnant with me; Dad wasn't in the picture. She did what she thought was the best for me, and I was raised by her Mother. I grew up calling "mom" to my Grandmother, and I knew who she was, it wasn't a big secret -it actually was very common back then, parents moving to the USA for work and leaving their kids under the care of the Grandparents. Only difference was that, I never went to live with Mom once she came back to Mexico, ten years later. There was no resentment from my part, no hatred, no need for explanations. I knew who my Mother was, and I knew where I belonged to; but that didn't stop Mom from being in my life. She was, after all, who gave birth to me.

Mom ran her life; no one told her what to do or how to behave. She was a honey badger -she gave no fucks. And she was always giving me advice. No matter what was going on, she'd always had a word for me. Then, we moved to the USA. And I still didn't live with her. I wanted to do my own thing and try my luck. I did what I had to do, I heard what I needed to know, I said enough and I also offered apologies. I moved on. And I moved in with Mom, finally. 
It seemed that every thing was falling into place, we had a house, two cars, each one had their own room in the two story house. I had learned English in no time. I had a job that helped the bills and my own satisfaction. I was out as a gay male in school, and my support system was strong. Then, the spell broke or something. Things went to shit, and hell broke loose... for about seven years. I wonder if all those mirrors I broke years before had come back for revenge. My faith was tested. My patience. My strength. But I made it alive, maybe a few pieces were broken, but alive nonetheless. And Mom was with me all along. Sure, we had arguements and fights, and whatever else happened (buy my Tell-It-All novel coming soon), but we stuck around and with each other; we knew there was no one else to turn to for help. We had created our own luck or disgraces. Maybe back then, I thought of Mom as one big bitch dragging me down, and maybe she was; but in the end, she was the only one that came through when I needed help. I guess what I am trying to do is to send a message to others out there who's been in a tough position with their own family, maybe, just maybe, they were doing all the could and felt just as lost and hopeless. Things happen for a reason, I am one strong believer, and now I know it better than ever. I look back to my trail, and I am grateful for each lesson. Even the most painful ones, because they made me the stronger person I am now. Time does heal. It does get better.

Little brothers. I love you both. We didn't have it easy growing up, but REMEMBER that we have two more siblings that grew up in Mexico, and without Mom. 
I'm sorry we couldn't give you what you wanted, but we did our best to provide what we needed. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry our upbringing may have damaged your perspective of reality, but I hope that some day you can look back and understand that it was the little we could scrape to survive in a foreign place. Pick up the best you guys can recall from our past, and aim for something better for your future. It is now on your hands. And Mom and I will be here to help as much as we can, but as time goes by, we get limited. It is an every day struggle. You have the strength to fight harder and do better than we did. Do it for you. But just remember that Mom and I love you.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Shitty Society

Recently, whether the rumor is true or someone instigating the situation, I have been told of the way certain people talk about me in my absence. Nasty things, I must clarify. These comments attack me personally which should make me upset due to the fact that I don't bring up my personal life into work; and these comments weren't work related. A little background in my work ethic: I don't play games. I've learned from the best and worst managers in this company I work for, and I have great mentors. I know how to handle situations, and when in doubt, I make calls to ask for advice. I apologize when I know I fuck up. I don't believe anyone can come up to me and tell me I did them wrong. Golden rule I live by till this day, is to always cover my ass, and every move I make is documented. I'm easy going with my coworkers; I believe I am a fair manager, and I try to fit everyone's needs, but at the end of the day, I am running a business and I will do anything legal and in my power to get my job done. Nothing personal.
Then, out of nowhere, muthafuckas have the nerve to talk smack behind my back.
My first thought was, You mad, bro?  

Now, let's make this clear, I am not here to trash talk anyone. I am a grown man, and I said what I had to say to this person at the moment. As the saying goes, "whatever people think of me is none of my business."
And it is the honest truth. I couldn't care any less, not because 'I don't give a fuck'  but because this person has no input or importance in my life. No one has the permission to put me down; I've learned this the hard way. I've said it millions of times since I was fourteen years old, I AM my own worst enemy, and only I can hurt myself the deepest. And let me tell you, those scars don't heal; they're still there, sore to my touch. And they hurt like a bitch on their time. Today, I can look at them, pour some salt, and tough it out. I guess, you can say I grew thick skin. Desperate times call for desperate measures. So yes, I heard these nasty comments while I was eating my delicious frosty -which by the way was chocolate when I asked for vanilla- and my blood flow remained its calm rush. I laughed. I have been called those names in the past, nothing new, and it surprises me that originality has died out.
I think I should be mad. People should be calling me out on my job performance; tell me how horrible of a manager I am; tell me I play favorites; tell me I'm lazy; tell me that I don't know how to do anything. They can't though. They attack my personal life because they know (in Miss Minaj's wise words) "that I'm a motherfucker monster!" I have the position I have because I deserve it; nothing was just handed to me. I worked hard and I made my way up. I can do their job better and faster. I went through a whole process of learning, failing, picking up the pieces, and moving on.
I think I should be mad because I never bring up anyone's personal lives to the job, not because I'd get in  legal trouble, but because I don't really care. You come, make tacos, meet my work expectations, and go home; easy, right? It may seems hypocritical, but I don't even care if they're sick; my thoughts are who is going to cover their shift. I don't know about them, but I've gone to work with a running fever, migraines, allergy reactions, colds and flu, right after car accidents, and all because I needed my hours. My check was my only priority. Bottom line is, no matter how good of a worker anyone is, we all are replaceable. These people seemed like never got confronted regarding their poor job performance until I came around, and they didn't think I'd go through with it. They underestimated the 5'4" faggy spic, and it backfired on their ass.

My main concern now is, am I so used to being called names that I'm immune to them? Because if this is the case, I should be concerned about society. Humanity in general, actually. We allow to let little things slide, and shrug it off because 'we don't wanna come off as too sensitive.' I've had this conversation with friends before, and yes, I do take offense when they're not politically correct; and not that I am too sensitive, but because I am not going to stand by and let ignorance walk right past me. Whatever we do and say send messages to our surroundings. The next generation. Our kids. I am guilty of stupid comments, and just because I don't express them publicly doesn't make it any more correct. I am not perfect, but I am strong minded enough to rectify myself. I don't want my kids or nieces/nephews to grow up in a world where they have to grow a thick skin to make it through high school. I don't want your kids to be like you, if you are the one fucking up; so yes, I will lead by example.

That's why I'm here. I have nothing else to say to anyone talking mad about me. I'm sure I've told them what I had to say, and there's probably a good reason why I don't care what they have to gossip about. My message is clear, my friends, DO YOU. And by this, I don't mean the trashy 'I don't give a fuck' attitude. Doing YOU should mean that you are focused on your life, on your present, on moving forward, on presenting yourself in a positive manner and surround with the same type of people. It is about you. That's what I have been doing, and it's worked pretty well, I must say. Maybe this is why I don't care about rumors? I'm too involved with my life to worry about anybody else's.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

To the Side-hoes and the Thirsty Sluts

Dear readers, tonight I want to send out a message to the lovely people that come in between couples, knowing or not. Let's say you are practicing the five steps I gave you in prior blogs, but you're still having some issues with your significant other because of "x" reasons. What to do now, right? You are doing everything you can to make the relationship work, yet it doesn't seem to be reciprocated; or, you still get the gut feeling that there is something else is going on which usually ends up being true. In my case, sadly enough, it has been. My bad experiences have been an issue in my present relationship, I must confess; I've let my insecurities become a real drag, and my boyfriend has put up with it for a while, and I apologize every time, but I know it has to stop. Remember people, let's work on ourselves, and the rest will just fall into place.

Things for your other half to beware: you may believe you are doing nothing wrong, but the moment you start deleting texts and messages, you are fucking up. The moment you allow others to talk to you inappropriately, you are leading them on; do not tell me it's the way you two talk because it shouldn't be. The moment you omit little things to spare your significant other the wandering ideas or irrelevant thoughts, you are lying and if there is nothing going on, there is no reason to omit anything, right?

But there is always someone else out there who is "just a friend."
The ones that just want to holler because they think your boo is cute, and it's too bad they're taken.
Or the one that has actually gotten your boo's attention.

And here's my response to every one of them:
One- I still am THE BOYFRIEND. Know your place, and that is, you are the one that has to wait until I have been satisfied and tended to. I always come first. I am the one he introduces to everyone. I am the one his family knows about, and the one they expect to attend holidays. Have the few minutes and texts you can scrape from him, enjoy them and put them up next to your self-respect.
Two- If my boo were to end our relationship to start one with you, let me walk out peacefully and with an advice for you, if he cheated on me with you, he will cheat on you with someone else. There is a reason why  he left me, and he will find one to leave you as well. Karma is a bitch; sooner or later, it will catch up with you. You have been warned.
Three- When my boo ends his phase, I will be waiting at home; you may think I'd be stupid to take him back, but you're wrong. I am his penance, and I will make him pay for the time he put me through, and then move on. When in relationships, I consider humans to be like dogs; they might go off on their own and play around, do their thing, get the boredom out of their system, and then come back to where their heart is. They might misbehave, and their owner will punish him for a while, but it'll be over and forgiven in no time.

We're all dogs and bitches.
Just know that you don't bite the hand that feeds you.
Remember that the owners always have the leash of those filthy dogs.
And the bitches trying to jump over fences end up in ditches if fuck with the wrong owners.

That's all. Go back to your hole, now.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Better in Time

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason.. Regardless of the situation, good or bad, it will get better. Had I been employed, I'd probably end up with a nervous breakdown; I know myself and I have been there more than a couple of times. Sad to say but I am used to it, and I'll be okay. Hope will never wither. I'll keep the light on, night and day, until the storm passes through; and I'll be standing with open arms. The future is just a second away and we must make the best of it.
I will come back to this vague paragraph, and hopefully with a better input; for now, let's focus on what to do while I'm off work.

I have started the story I always wanted to tell. It's not the greatest American novel, but I reckon there are a few people that would enjoy reading something that they might not be familiar with or feel related. There has to be a place willing to publish it, or I will invest my own money, but I do believe that it needs to be heard. I have given away a couple of chapters here and there, and I have received some good feedback. I used some excerpts for my AP English class and my teacher approved; I used it again in Composition Class in college and I got some good pointers once more. Obviously, I may need some more proofreading due to English being my second language, and I am open to some good constructive criticism. My dream to become reality soon, if not this year, is to be a published writer. Surely, I will probably be categorized in the LGBTQ genre,  and I'm okay with that; I want to give a voice to this community. We all may think that everyone is gay friendly, but if you only walked on our shoes for a day, your opinion would quickly change. Ignorance goes both ways, and including within the community; we all need to speak openly and break the taboo. And this is what I want to do, and it is my goal. I don't write only about gay issues, but most of it tends to fall into that. If you're interested, let's pull up a chair and chat over coffee; I love to exchange opinions and learn from others.

And with that being said, I conclude this entry. Let's hope for the best, personal and professionally. Cheers.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Love Guru

Every person with a partner brings baggage into their relationship; the trick to keep it healthy, I would say, is to give five little things that will make a huge difference in the end. And God knows that I learned the hard way! It took me till 2010 to come up with these "requirements" to date me, when I hit rock bottom and I thought I was destined to stay alone for the rest of my life. I know, pretty dramatic.
We all have that one friend that keeps on saying "fuck love", "team single", "I'm doing me", "Me, myself, and I". And if you can't think of someone in your circle of friends that fits this description, then, I have bad news for you: you are that annoying friend. But truth is, you do care and you do want someone to come home to, or spend hours on the phone until late night talking about nothing. Mankind needs of each other; don't try to feed me other bull. Either way, let's go back to the points that have helped me be the best for my partner, and expect the same in return.

Always tell it as it is, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you. Recently, I must confess, I broke news to my boyfriend of almost three years, and for a few hours I thought I was going to lose him. It's a feeling that I do not wish upon anybody; I cannot even describe it. But we are working through it. Our deal was clear, and we are following through our compromise. After I finally verbalized what I wanted to say for a while now, it all became real --the past and the response. But it's out in the open and it feels different, even awkward, but it is better. And it can only move forward from here.

Before anything, we are humans and have feelings. We need to set boundaries and be careful to never step over them. For your own good as well. It's only common sense. No need to explain, I hope.

Once we've set the boundaries, be aware that there is a reason why we have put these in the first place. I told Mitchell that my family is very important to me (which is the main reason why I kept quiet what I recently revealed to him) and he now knows more than anything how far I would go for them. I also know where he stands with his family, and we both compromise to attend to both sides. It's only fair, since our families have been nothing but supportive from the moment they knew about us. But that is only one example of this aspect. There are several, depending on what you and your partner have going on in your lives.

If you are giving your best, and your partner reciprocates, your relationship should be in a good place. The past three things will bring you to trust each other, and be able to do your own thing without doubting or thinking what the other is really doing. Some times it happens, I know I used to do this all the time, but with time, I've gotten better. I mean, after two whole years, I better have this down, right? But here and there, I always spot the hoe trying to come in between; but I just have to breathe in and let it slide. Mitchell knows what he'll be losing if he fucks up. And I know that I will be losing probably the best I've found if I did.

And every now and then, spend some time on your favorite hobby and give each other some time alone. I know I need it when I want to write or just go through my notebooks looking for things to write about. Mitchell knows that my sacred time in the office is to not be interrupted, and everybody is happy. Yes, I am a maniac when it comes to details, I am very annoying -and you'd know this if you know me well or if you work with me. But you'll be okay if you have a chance to clear up your head by doing something that relaxes you; or whatever you do to focus again.

But just remember that LOVE is giving your heart to someone and hoping they won't break it. Love is taking a risk, and giving your all to keep it growing. Love is a flower, don't squeeze it too hard, and always water it.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Just a Thought.

Today I want to tell you about a wonderful woman that sculptured who I am today.
My Grandmother Catalina.

I grew up calling her Mom. She cured my illness; she quenched my thirst and fed me what we could afford; she whooped my ass when I misbehaved; she was proud of me for every award I won at school, and she made sure that I had the necessary to get an education. That was her dream, for me to go to school. Up to the last moment, her wish was to better myself. And although there is so much to do, I still want to share this with all of you, whoever you are, friends or random readers, my mom has been gone for three years and these memories fill my heart with mixed emotions, and my vision blurs.
My mom lost her husband when the youngest of their 11 children was a toddler. She never married again, or dated to the least. She dedicated her life to work and raise the rest of the kids she still had at home, and that is what she did. The times were different, and her iron fist comes from traditional and probably uneducated background, but she managed, and she raised us the best she could. Today, seven of my uncles live with their wives and have raised their children the same way our mom did; of course they have gone through difficulties in their marriages, but they worked through it, and keep going strong. The four females she raised, one of them being my birth mother, took a different paths toward their point where they're at now, but they made it, and today they stand proud to be who they are, and the family. And it is a pretty big family indeed, and I wish I was close to them, and have a big Mexican reunion, but we are all spread out over the country, and after Mom's passing, it feels like the glue has wore off. It's not the same. Maybe because, obviously, Mom is gone and we feel her absence when we're together, but wouldn't that be what she'd like us to do? To stick together as if she were here? Not that we are strangers now, no, but... I don't know. Maybe I am looking into this a little too much, and I am a little too much of a sensitive person. Who knows.
My point is to share the legacy that my Mom left. An amazing woman that worked like a man, in the fields, raised kids and shaped them up when they tried to act out, and took me in when she didn't have to. The story behind my birth changes from person to person, but a wise advice was given when I tried to research the truth; what is it to me what happened twenty years ago? I am alive, and I am a pretty decent human being. I have good values, health, and work ethic. I should be just thankful, and live on. So I guess, if there is anything to get out of this post is, every now and then we should take a minute to step back and look at the big picture in our lives, and be appreciative of what we have and the people that stands with us. Some times that's all it takes to realize that life isn't bad after all.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Memorandum Para el Hijo Prodigo

No estoy seguro como empezar este escrito; una razon es porque no creo que tenga yo que explicar mi situacion a nadie. Otra razon es porque en realidad no se como explicar lo que tengo atrapado en mi garganta y no me deja desenvolverme mas como yo quisiera. Quiza no tenga razon para quejarme, lo cual yo no creo estar haciendo, pero si quiero dejar saber que hay un par de cosas que de vez en cuando me molestan. Y no lo tomo personal, ni tampoco muy en serio, sin embargo, todo tiene un limite, verdad? Pues, miren, recuerden que si ustedes estan leyendo esto es porque me conocen y espero que me recuerden; yo creci bajo el papel de "EL NIETO DE..." y los privilegios que tuve son algo que mis tios y tias no tuvieron en su infancia. Mi abuelita me enseno y me dio de todo lo que ella considero correcto. No creci con mas de lo que necesitaba, pues tampoco teniamos mucho dinero, y esto me ha convertido en una persona que trabaja por todo lo que tiene. Claro que he tenido ayuda de personas durante esta jornada que llamamos vida, y soy agradecido con ellos, les he pagado de regreso, y les ayudo cada vez que se puede. Todos necesitamos un empujon para arrancar vuelo, y no tengo pena de decir AYUDAME cuando en realidad la necesito. Yo siempre estare aqui cuando ustedes me necesiten, pero tampoco me consideren su banco personal porque aunque este yo aqui en el norte, mi trabajo y desveladas me ha costado ganarme ese cheque. Aqui no se encostalan los dolares; aqui se limpian pisos, se lavan banos, se trabaja en el frio, se lavan los trastes de gente rica, se construyen casas, se hace de todo para ganarse ese dinero. No se que mentalidad se tenga ahora de la gente que vivimos por este lado del Rio Bravo, pero la verdad que sin papeles, no hay muchas oportunidades, asi que amigos, no se manden cuando hablen con sus familiares aca.
Una cosa mas, la broma de que ya nos consideramos gabachos o presumidos que ya ni hablamos, parenle. Al menos de mi parte, yo recuerdo a todos. Y aun soy el humilde Adrian que tenia un puesto de dulces y chicharrones con su abuelita en frente de la parada de combis en el real de abajo de San Nicolas Tolentino. Por aca en el norte tengo la fama de que actuo como guero, que poca! Mi pareja es un guero que no habla Espanol, si, y hablo mas Ingles por la simple razon de que mi trabajo me requiere que, y la mayoria de mis amigos se sienten mas comodos hablar en Ingles, y no vivo en casa con mi mama. Pero nada de eso les da el derecho de decir ese tipo de cosas. Por la mayor parte, les dio el avion, me rio y lo dejo en paz, pero si hay algo que considero mio y mi orgullo es el hecho de ser mexicano y nacido en tierras mexicanas. Por aca, muchos chicanos son culeros y se creen muy paisanos, pero ni saben su historia o cultura. Asi que ustedes que considero amigos y gente educada, porfavor no me pongan etiquetas. No me juzguen por mis gustos ahora; recuerden que me vine para aca cuando tenia yo 16, y pues todo lo que soy y conozco es este mundo. Todavia tengo el nopal en la cara, y con mucho orgullo, pero nuestro creciemiento personal tomo un rumbo diferente en el momento en que pise suelo americano. Mira mis ojos, o escuchame hablar, y encontraras el mismo Adrian que conociste en el pueblo; obviamente, ya estoy mas viejo y maduro y con experiencia, pero todavia soy el mismo chamaquillo con inseguridades y una risa para la vida. Echale. 
Perdone, amigo, si los he ofendido, pero solo quiero asegurarme de que sepan que aunque pase el tiempo, yo todavia sere el gordito nieto de dona Catalina Sanchez. El cerebrito de la primaria del turno de la tarde. El amigo de Juana del grupo "E" de la secundaria Plan de Ayala. Y el wey que continuo escribiendo obras de teatro en el bachiller. Que recuerdas de mi?

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Hello world,

It's been a while since we've conversed. How have you been? Lately, I have been reminiscing on the old me; and I realized how much I've grown and how much I have left to learn. Every day is a new experience, and I know I've said this before, I recall this clearly, but as I get older, I think it is time to actually get to it, and move on.
For example, I need to control my eating habits; I want to eat healthier, but the junk food is so delicious. I want to get in shape, but work occupies 75% of my time. I want to finish my 'big novel' but I can't find the perfect hook. I want to travel, and see new places, but money is tight --although I did spend some money on VIP concerts and such, so that must count as an adventure. See, no matter my goal, I always find an excuse to avoid it. Most of the times though, my reasons are pretty valid. This year, I am going to go with the flow; no plans and no excuses. Sacrifices. I wrote it myself for  a short story -whatever we want to achieve, we will always going to have to make sacrifices. I've always known this, actually, I just found an excuses for me to void this fact.

What I have been getting so much better at lately is writing down goals for every day, and I have checked off all of them; it feels amazing to do so. Knowing that I am being productive during my day is probably the best feeling I have felt in awhile. Tracking and paying bills and cards on time, writing and reading, work related issues that need to be done, etc. Small things, I know, but I gotta start somewhere, right? I guess some times  I put myself down for several other reasons, but that is a whole different subject for another blog, and I get stuck in the WHAT-IF zone; it is time to step into the FUCK-IT elevator though. I am too old for childish behavior, and too young to still accomplish what I want in life. I just need a little push, and surround myself with the right people to continue inspiring to better myself and keep going at it, to never cease fighting for what I want, and to always smile. I know the right people; they've stuck around; I just need to dust my running shoes and catch up. No, it is not a race, but a little challenge never hurt before.