Wednesday, October 30, 2013

FAGGOT

I am a homosexual individual with a coming out story to share, but many of you as my friends have been along the way and know it pretty well. There is something that I have not told anyone yet, and I think is time to come clean --not even Mitch, my boyfriend of two years now, has the slightest idea of this that I am about to tell you all; or maybe he does, I don't know, he is a smart man. So here it goes:

I am proud of who I am, and I am lucky for having friends that helped pave the path as we walked together through life; and truly blessed for counting with the support and love from my mother and brothers that have been with me no matter what. Yet, in reality, when I find myself in a situation where certain amount of people do not know I am gay, I cannot bring myself to correct them when they assume it is a woman when I speak of my romantic life due to the fact that I don't use gender pronouns. See, I am not ashamed to be gay and I would never deny my boyfriend, BUT the Latino community (which is the only I tend to stay silent about my sexual orientation) is a little more conservative than others that I'm surrounded by. This whole 'macho' stigmata has me between a wall and the closet. I guess I am more concerned of what they'll think. No, I believe that it's just second nature to me to go with the flow and let people think whatever they want to; more than anything though, my main purpose is to give them the chance to see me as a person and not as "the gay" manager, or my brother's "gay" sibling, or just anything "gay" blank. I am more than just gay, and being gay does not define who I am. You may say that I shouldn't worry about it, but I do; I only have one life and I want to make it worth, I want to make sure I am doing something for the LGBTQ community and my little doing is to break stereotypes --it may sound dumb and unfounded, but it is the intention that should count.
Don't get me wrong though, just because I don't speak with a lisp, or have feminine mannerism as other gay men, I am not saying that they are bad, no. The so-called "flammers" are the ones taking more crap and discrimination than the rest of us so I respect them more than anything; my advice for them is to let their flames burn! You go, boys! And I'll smack a bitch trying to get in their way.

I guess my main point is, do not underestimate the power of the gay. It's a revolution for equality, and it's not over yet, unfortunately. When I walk down the park holding Mitch's hand and other people walking past us do not say anything, or smile at us, or keep looking straight ahead, or act naturally, that's when I feel hope that someday it'll be what it should be now: nobody's business.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

To be honest...

I am afraid to die.
Have you pictured your death? I have. I want to die dramatically. In a car accident or something --I am terrified of pain, but I am more terrified of not having a memorable way of dying. Illness is boring; I do not want to be an example of strength and courage for others to follow and live on. People don't care who you are, but what you have done, and I am scared that my footprints on this planet aren't enough.

I guess I am more afraid of failure after all.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Confessions of a coconut

I've heard it since I started high school, and my English started to improve. And I wish I could say that I'm over it, but it obviously still bugs me since I'm writing a blog about it -people saying that I act too white.

Dear friends:
I am not a color.
I've said this before, and I thought it was through, just because I do not live up to the Mexican stereotypes doesn't make me any less Mexican. So what if I don't like corridos, duranguense, banda, or go to bailes? So what if my boyfriend is white, or that any of the guys I've dated have been white? So what if I speak Spanish only when it's necessary? So what if my taste and behaviour is out of the NORMAL? Who are you to try and strip me bare from what makes who I am? I don't go around doing the same to you, do I?
Please don't tell me I want to be white because of the lifestyle I live.There is nothing wrong with being white, but there is nothing wrong with being who I am either.
It only upsets me because it gets old.

Here's the full story though:
There is nothing you can say to make me feel less Mexican. I may not like the type of music you are listening now, but remind me of this again in a few years, and then we'll talk; mainstream music changes all the time. Early 2000's was all about regueton and Daddy Yanky, and all those peeps; whatever happened to that? In my early teens I had 90's pop en espanol, and I thought it was the best era of all times. And we also had the cumbia and bachata. But the 80's had some amazing rock era, and I like it too even though I wasn't old enough to even remember. Do you get what I'm trying to say?
I still love my pozole and tostadas. I love the taco truck! I love the tacos my mom makes. I love the mole my family makes -I can only digest the mole that my family makes; if anyone else makes it, it makes me sick. I love pipian. And the arroz that my mom makes. And her picaditas. Does this makes me more Mexican? If it does, then my boyfriend (a full blooded white boy) is also a Mexican because he loves the same. Am I making my point clear?
I'm not a paisa. I don't wear hat and boots and big buckled belts. I don't have a mustache. I don't own any gold rings or necklaces.I can't pull off that look. I hate facial hair. I hate gold -any jewelry for that matter. I like to wear my tennis shoes, jeans, and a shirt; or a buttons up shirt with my khakis and dress shoes. But only because I think I look good, not because of any other reason you come up with.
And lastly, I cannot deny who I am and where I come from. My accent gives me away. Yes, I do wish I didn't have an accent because it'd be helpful when it comes to be understood right off the bat, but there's not much I can do about that. One time, I was told by my counselor to read a lot, to learn new words, and to ALWAYS be practicing to improve and get their pronunciation correctly. And that's all I'm doing. Can you give me credit for trying to improve myself in this country where it seems to be a dog eats dog world? Isn't that what your parents want for you, and what you'd want for your kids, to be the best that we can be?

Think about it.
In the meantime, I'm going back to my life to continue being at peace. Read a book, work, and go home to my family; and call me if you want to hang out every now and then.