Monday, November 11, 2013

This I Promise You

If you all must know, since I am writing this from the bottom of my heart because I want to share this with you friends, and open up, I gotta admit that I am a very insecure person. More than jealous, I am not very confident on myself, and I take it out on the boyfriend. Lately, and quite often in the past, I made comments that I shouldn't have made, and I usually don't post this type of situations on public because I believe that some things just need to stay in between the walls of your own home, but arguments are part of life and very common for couples to have. Today, though, I want to make amends.
 
Mitch has been the best thing that has happened to me. He is my very better half. We complement one another. He is my Lucy, and I am his Ricky. You know what I mean? I cannot see myself with someone else, it's just not possible; and no, it's not because we've gotten used to each other, but mostly because he has become a vital part of me. I don't make a huge decision without consulting before with him, if I know that it could affect OUR lives. I always look out for OUR future. And for OUR dog Charlie. All because when I was in a shithole of a situation, pardon my language but that's how I felt at the moment, he took me in, and gladly took on the responsibility that he didn't have to --especially when our relationship was very new and we were getting to know each other more in depth. Not one time he complained about it. So seeing that he really cared, and that he was going the extra mile for me, I realized how lucky and blessed I was for finding a human being like him to share my life with. And for that, and much more that words cannot explain, I want all of you to know how much I care and I compromise myself even more to this relationship that has been a life changing experience.
 
Mitch, I know I am a pain in the ass when I hurt your feelings based on silly and unfounded ridiculous comments that take place in my empty head, but I want you to know that I am working on it, and I apologize for the times in the past that I couldn't keep my mouth shut; I will do my hardest to continue to make you happy and be the best because you deserve it. We have been together for a couple of years now so that situations should not be happening, you're right; I guess I am just paranoid that I could lose you --and I don't want to push you away due to my stupidity. If you are with me is for a reason, and I am not about to question it. I love you. You love me. That's all that matters. Let's make it one day at the time, as we have always done it. Let's make it another year.
 
 
 

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

FAGGOT

I am a homosexual individual with a coming out story to share, but many of you as my friends have been along the way and know it pretty well. There is something that I have not told anyone yet, and I think is time to come clean --not even Mitch, my boyfriend of two years now, has the slightest idea of this that I am about to tell you all; or maybe he does, I don't know, he is a smart man. So here it goes:

I am proud of who I am, and I am lucky for having friends that helped pave the path as we walked together through life; and truly blessed for counting with the support and love from my mother and brothers that have been with me no matter what. Yet, in reality, when I find myself in a situation where certain amount of people do not know I am gay, I cannot bring myself to correct them when they assume it is a woman when I speak of my romantic life due to the fact that I don't use gender pronouns. See, I am not ashamed to be gay and I would never deny my boyfriend, BUT the Latino community (which is the only I tend to stay silent about my sexual orientation) is a little more conservative than others that I'm surrounded by. This whole 'macho' stigmata has me between a wall and the closet. I guess I am more concerned of what they'll think. No, I believe that it's just second nature to me to go with the flow and let people think whatever they want to; more than anything though, my main purpose is to give them the chance to see me as a person and not as "the gay" manager, or my brother's "gay" sibling, or just anything "gay" blank. I am more than just gay, and being gay does not define who I am. You may say that I shouldn't worry about it, but I do; I only have one life and I want to make it worth, I want to make sure I am doing something for the LGBTQ community and my little doing is to break stereotypes --it may sound dumb and unfounded, but it is the intention that should count.
Don't get me wrong though, just because I don't speak with a lisp, or have feminine mannerism as other gay men, I am not saying that they are bad, no. The so-called "flammers" are the ones taking more crap and discrimination than the rest of us so I respect them more than anything; my advice for them is to let their flames burn! You go, boys! And I'll smack a bitch trying to get in their way.

I guess my main point is, do not underestimate the power of the gay. It's a revolution for equality, and it's not over yet, unfortunately. When I walk down the park holding Mitch's hand and other people walking past us do not say anything, or smile at us, or keep looking straight ahead, or act naturally, that's when I feel hope that someday it'll be what it should be now: nobody's business.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

To be honest...

I am afraid to die.
Have you pictured your death? I have. I want to die dramatically. In a car accident or something --I am terrified of pain, but I am more terrified of not having a memorable way of dying. Illness is boring; I do not want to be an example of strength and courage for others to follow and live on. People don't care who you are, but what you have done, and I am scared that my footprints on this planet aren't enough.

I guess I am more afraid of failure after all.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Confessions of a coconut

I've heard it since I started high school, and my English started to improve. And I wish I could say that I'm over it, but it obviously still bugs me since I'm writing a blog about it -people saying that I act too white.

Dear friends:
I am not a color.
I've said this before, and I thought it was through, just because I do not live up to the Mexican stereotypes doesn't make me any less Mexican. So what if I don't like corridos, duranguense, banda, or go to bailes? So what if my boyfriend is white, or that any of the guys I've dated have been white? So what if I speak Spanish only when it's necessary? So what if my taste and behaviour is out of the NORMAL? Who are you to try and strip me bare from what makes who I am? I don't go around doing the same to you, do I?
Please don't tell me I want to be white because of the lifestyle I live.There is nothing wrong with being white, but there is nothing wrong with being who I am either.
It only upsets me because it gets old.

Here's the full story though:
There is nothing you can say to make me feel less Mexican. I may not like the type of music you are listening now, but remind me of this again in a few years, and then we'll talk; mainstream music changes all the time. Early 2000's was all about regueton and Daddy Yanky, and all those peeps; whatever happened to that? In my early teens I had 90's pop en espanol, and I thought it was the best era of all times. And we also had the cumbia and bachata. But the 80's had some amazing rock era, and I like it too even though I wasn't old enough to even remember. Do you get what I'm trying to say?
I still love my pozole and tostadas. I love the taco truck! I love the tacos my mom makes. I love the mole my family makes -I can only digest the mole that my family makes; if anyone else makes it, it makes me sick. I love pipian. And the arroz that my mom makes. And her picaditas. Does this makes me more Mexican? If it does, then my boyfriend (a full blooded white boy) is also a Mexican because he loves the same. Am I making my point clear?
I'm not a paisa. I don't wear hat and boots and big buckled belts. I don't have a mustache. I don't own any gold rings or necklaces.I can't pull off that look. I hate facial hair. I hate gold -any jewelry for that matter. I like to wear my tennis shoes, jeans, and a shirt; or a buttons up shirt with my khakis and dress shoes. But only because I think I look good, not because of any other reason you come up with.
And lastly, I cannot deny who I am and where I come from. My accent gives me away. Yes, I do wish I didn't have an accent because it'd be helpful when it comes to be understood right off the bat, but there's not much I can do about that. One time, I was told by my counselor to read a lot, to learn new words, and to ALWAYS be practicing to improve and get their pronunciation correctly. And that's all I'm doing. Can you give me credit for trying to improve myself in this country where it seems to be a dog eats dog world? Isn't that what your parents want for you, and what you'd want for your kids, to be the best that we can be?

Think about it.
In the meantime, I'm going back to my life to continue being at peace. Read a book, work, and go home to my family; and call me if you want to hang out every now and then.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

We Can't Stop

My reaction to the biggest scandal over the weekend still is, WHY THE F* DO YOU CARE!?

If you know me, you must know I am a very passionate and fanatic person, I go all the way when I like an artist. I support their career, and publicly admit to my liking; I do not mind what anyone else thinks of me, and I am sure that those artists out there couldn't care less.And this is my point. I can only speak for my actions, and I will be responsible for which, but I cannot stand up for whatever Lady Gaga is saying about Perez Hilton because I do not know what's really going on, regardless my extreme dislike for this man. I will give my opinion on certain issues because we all are entitled to one, but it doesn't mean that I am right, or any one is for that matter. In the end, Hollywood is all plastic.
I do believe, and I am going to say though that whatever Miley is doing, is nobody's business but hers; some people like it, and obviously, there are others out there doing it. So worry about your daughters and sisters and girlfriends. Make sure they don't become sluts by twerking or grinding or wearing revealing clothing, because you agree that this is just the beginning of such transformation.
As Nikki Minaj once said to Ellen, "I don't have to deal with it, I'm no their parents [regarding how to deal with having fans so young as Sophia Grace and Rosie]." So if you are worried that Miley is not setting up a good example for young girls, then don't let them watch her; keep you children in a bubble watching Hannah Montana. Sorry 'bout it. Hannah was a show long ago gone; a phase in her career as an actress. She is now a woman in her twenties having fun and doing what other twenty-somethings are doing in the clubs; she just happens to be famous, and on TV, and if anyone doesn't like it, they can turn that TV back off or to another channel. Easy fix. That's what i did when MTV turned into teen pregnancy promoters; disagree? then explain why is still on, and recruiting more? Whose fault is it? Ours as an audience, and parents; don't blame society.

Either way, this is it. I am not going into any other rants.

Let's hear YOU roar.

Note: Nikki Minaj speaking to Ellen.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Growing Pains

I want to think of myself as a very reliable friend, I try to be when I'm needed; some times, as we grow older, it is impossible to ditch our responsibilities to be with our loved ones and friends at all occasions. It is understandable, and I get it, I have been in these situations. But I reach out to try and make the bridge smaller, all I expect is acknowledgment -not too hard to do, right? More than often, I have to decline invites of all sorts for different reasons each time, but mostly because of work. But I reply to their messages, and inform them as to why I cannot make it. Later on, I am no longer invited, or I simply disappear from their contact list and I get a 'who is this?' which is okay, shit happens and any one can lose their information on their phone. And after that, slowly, we become strangers.

It's sad that friendship can end just like that.


Monday, August 12, 2013

MID-LIFE CRISIS

In the beginning, I thought I knew what I wanted, but since last I wrote in here, I have put myself through mind-exhausting games, and at my age, I think this is ridiculous; then again, nobody said that life was easy and fair, and the time that I spent on hiatus was helpful to realize a few things. This is why I'm back -that, and also because Mitch bought me a mini laptop especially for my blogging and writing crap; we used his credit card which gives us what we need, we pay it right away, and every one is happy. My boo is the whole package, and I am one lucky motherfucker.

Now back to my "oh-what-an-eye-opening" sob story.
I talked to Mitch about the mixed feelings I had about my job; it's just getting to me. People are, I mean. Before when I had the temp office job, I missed the one-on-one interaction I'd have with the people at the restaurant, and I really enjoy it, and I am goddamn good at it as well -at least, I'd like to think so. But lately, I've been having issues with myself and my internal voices telling me that I should quit everything and just leave; start all over somewhere else. I know I said that before, and it is one of my things to check off in my bucket list, but I am not stupid, I know the situations, and I know when to listen to my instinct. Also, I have this little thing that we call LOGIC. Yes, I have been cursed with it, and this seems to be what the problem is with the type of job I have. People underestimate those working at fast food places, and that is one big mistake. We are making your food, for Gaga's sake! Golden rule when you eat out, people. I guess the bottom line is that I cannot stay stuck where I'm at; it's not that is a bad job, because I do like it, but it is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be able to help youth; first I thought I could do psychology or social work, but my financial circumstances haven't allowed me to do so. I still have that intention, and I will fulfill this, it might take me a while but I will get there. Sometimes it feels like I can't take it anymore, but (not trying to be all cliche) I've been through enough and worse to know that I will achieve my goals.

In order to do so though, I need to follow a very strict routine so I can check off things that need to be done; baby steps, or as popular saying goes, no one can eat the world in a bite.
This brings me to what I did over my five-day vacation last week. My childhood friend came to visit; we hadn't seen each other in about ten years, and he has lived in Chicago all this time! Anyway, we had our weekend of reminiscing and hanging out, catching up with his life and all, getting to know his boyfriend and one of their friends. It was pretty fun, and I although I am not a fan of the mall, I spent around half a day in that place; my anxiety pills ran out quickly, but it was worth it. We walked around downtown taking pictures, you know, playing the tourist role. And by the end of the visit, I realized I've learned quite a few things about myself and my life, and on this part I want to share them with you.
As I have said in previous posts, and I probably have told you this in person as well (if you and I know each other, that is) but I was raised in a very modest home; we didn't have much, but we always aimed higher. And as long as we had food in our fridge, the rest of fancy things did not really matter. Cliche much? Yes, probably; yet, true. Of course we yearn for those things, and we tried, but we just couldn't afford them. Point is, I was kind of nervous as to what my friend was going to say about my house. Some of you guys have visited, and it's not the biggest or cutest mansion, but I am proud to say that it is one of my accomplishments, and for now it's just okay; I will upgrade, but in the meantime, life is good around here. I'm making memories with an amazing man that loves me, and a dog that loves playing around the yard when we come home; and I believe, my friends, that should be more important than a castle.

I guess, when it comes down to it, and after venting, I always conclude that family is my main priority. Every thing that I do, I do it for them, both Mitchell and Charlie, as well as my mother and brothers. They have been with me all along, and I want to be the best for them. Also, my closest friends that have been on my side through thick and thin so they deserve a special mention, always. Thank you all for putting up with me.

with love,
Adrian.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

You Want Me To Change... Change... Change...

It's way past my bedtime, but I took a long nap so I'm up, restless and sleepless. But in good company, besides my booskee and our Charlie, I'm listening to Josiah Leming; a long day awaits me, but I'm a tough bitch so I can own it running on few hours of sleep so I'll be good.
The point of this blog, if there is any point EVER, is to share two good things that may be happening in my life pretty soon. One is, I am back to my "normal" pants size YES!!!  There was a time last year when I put on a few pounds, and I was very sad, more angry at myself than anything else -but more afraid to obsess over it and freak out and fall back into my bulimic habits. Once I started working more, I cut back in a few extra meals and I recently found out that the pants I put away fit me again. Now, my favorite pants are not longer in my possession; I am getting older, and I accept the fact that some times our bodies just change and do not go back to what they once were, and I'm okay with that. So I got rid off of it, and it felt good; it was like giving away the fear of change and age. I felt like those pants were my last grasp of youth, stacked in my drawer, hoping I'd be able to use them again, but some times we gotta let go. I am still, but I am not 30 size pants young. You know what I mean? And I am okay with that. Same with my ironic t-shirts, I love them, but I think is time to get rid off them, move on, grow up, and wear clothing more appropriate to my age. Some people might say, WHO CARES WHAT OTHERS THINK!? and I agree, but this is not about what their opinion because I could care less; this is about how I feel when I dress. It's always about me, ya'll should know by now haha -This is about how I portray myself, and those Ts are no longer me, I am not seventeen anymore; I don't want to wear any logos, brands, or Spencer's hilarious and unique clothing. I just want to wear what makes me feel good, because when you feel good, you radiate, you care about yourself, you have a better day, and that's how I want my rest of my life to be. If you know me, I don't care what or where I buy my stuff; you can see me at the mall or at the Goodwill, if I like something, I'll get it. And that's the attitude I am going to keep from now on. Change begins from within ourselves.

Now, the second thing: I just need to study three books, go to a coupla classes, and pass a test, and I will become an Assistant Manager at the fast food restaurant. It may not be a big deal, and I could care less, but I am pretty excited because it means more income at home, and more opportunity to grow personally, professionally, and in the company with people that believe that I can manage a business. This has been a long road, and I appreciate the people that has been involved and have helped me along the way, it's been a team effort, but I worked just as hard nonetheless. So yeah, hope I can manage these three little steps so I can achieve the main goal. I want to do great not just for me or the ones that supported me, but my family at home being Mitch and Charlie, and also my mother and brothers so I'd be able to aid every now and then. I know that they can manage just fine, my mother is a tough cookie, but I will always pitch in whenever I am able to; there were times, before I moved out, when I needed an extra hand to help me up, and my family was ALWAYS there, so yes, I will be there when I can. No further explanation. This point in my life is a big accomplishment for me because I come from a humble background, I never had much, but I always aimed for higher and worked hard for it; you may say I am just a big cliche, and I just might be, but I can back it up. When it comes to my job, I think I am good at it. Otherwise, I wouldn't be promoted, right? Alrighty, just wish me luck, and I'll keep you posted. Whether I pass or not, I know I am on the right path.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Paparazzi

If you know me, you should know that I am a very passionate person. I do the things that I love, and I enjoy doing them; I get lost in doing them, and I talk non-stop about it, and I share my love for such things. Luckily, I have friends that put up with this crazy habit of mine, and it's a blessing. For example, what's equivalent to ninth grade here, in Mexico I wrote a play and with a group of twenty-five people, we performed in front of the whole school -and that was only the beginning to many more shows that I put on, eventually to perform even at the Independence Day festival.

Here in the USA has been a little bit more challenging to explore my creativity and interests due to the language barrier, but it has not stopped me though. I have filmed two series of my project "TwentySomething" and I keep working on the documentary of Mitch and I living together. I also love writing about LGBTQ people, and I keep a website where I share those stories; and this blog that helps me organize my thoughts. I used to keep a journal, but it just became monotonous. I guess life becomes that way when we believe there  is no more to it. However, today I say NO MORE!

I cannot allow myself to live in the WHAT-IF world anymore. I cannot do this to myself. I don't write stories about what I could have done; it is time to do it and live it and share it with you. Or write it on this blog just to get it off my chest, and maybe someone else will read it and share the same liking. Who knows!

So this is my own personal vendetta,  I wonder if I used this word in the correct sentence and meaning.
I will do what my old self will come up with excuses to not do.


Recently, an example of the promise above mentioned, I attended a concert of this artist that was discovered on American Idol; I kind of had the feeling that not many people would show up, and when I got to the venue, the parking lot was pretty much empty. I am shy. I get embarrassed easily. Walking into a place where the crowd consists of possibly ten tables only, it would had made me go back in my shell and turn around. But I stayed. 
05/18/13
I had followed Josiah Leming for the longest time, and now that I was so close to meet him in person, I could not let this opportunity pass; and I am so glad I went against my fear. The fact that there wasn't a big crowd it made it more personal, and easier to talk to him after the performance which by the way was amazing. 

Where am I going with this, you may ask? Well, as many of you may know by now, I love writing, and I set a list of goals to accomplish by the end of the year. One of these things I wrote down was to support local talent and businesses, so here is my plan: I will attend as many gigs/places/art shows as my job and bank account allow me to, and I will keep a blog to promote them. I know it's not a lot, but with the help of the media and yours, I know we can put Nebraska in an even better place. I love this state. I love this city. And I think we can make it greater. So you send me invites and names of places that I should check out and tell everyone about; this will be the only way to spread the word, from mouth to mouth, and helping one another. We're all doing what we love, and if my writing or vlogging helps others expand their horizons, so be it. You're with me?

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Stripped



"Sorry you can't define me
Sorry I break the mold
Sorry that I speak my mind
Sorry don't do what I'm told
Sorry if I don't fake it
Sorry I come too real
I will never hide what I really feel. 
No way.
So here it is
No hype, no glass, no pretense.
Just me..."


It may sound over dramatic, very High-School like, but the lines above, from my favorite performer Miss Christina Aguilera, speak to me; they held a deep meaning in my life when I was a very young (and very gay) antsy teenager. And to this moment, I can still say that they hold truth, and feelings.
Of course, I am older now and I know when to speak my mind, and when to bite my tongue and swallow that pride; ain't nobody got time for that! I am an adult, I have better things to do than to hold grudges or argue over little things with irrational people. I am who I am for the mistakes I made, I learned from them, and I moved on. I also grew from my accomplishments because they gave me the certainty that I am capable of doing what I put effort into; I've witnessed firsthand how hard-work pays off. And, obviously, my foundation, my family. I've told you many times the struggles we went through so I am not going to make this a sob story; however, I do find it important to underline the fact that they helped build my persona. 

Today, I don't say (and I don't find the need to do so) that I AM REAL or that I AM NOT FAKE. That would be something very childish, and embarrassing to say, at my age. God forbid I ever let those words come out of my mouth! I don't owe any explanation to anybody. I do what I do, what I'm expected to do (at work, at home, personal and professional) and go on with my life. I am not a kid, and the years have given enough experience and common sense to make it out alive. I may not be academically equipped, but I think of myself as a very well educated man. Of course I have flaws, and my closest friends may point it out, and my boyfriend does it all the time, but I never claimed to be perfect; I do try my best to work on those and improve myself. I cannot allow myself to make the same mistake twice, not in this century, not at the rate that this world is evolving. Not when I'm a narcissistic bitch ha! 
-every now and then I catch myself falling back into old habits, but I leap back into my shell and start all over. Every day is a different day, renew yourself! Let's not be the same conformist that this society is trying to make us. Let's say NO. As I said previously, I am working on my education, and it's been quite a long journey, but I haven't given up just yet. There is always a new bright day to begin, or so I see it.  

Monday, April 29, 2013

Change Of Heart

Sundays are usually chill and easy, at work, but yesterday just didn't feel right.
I went in to work with this knot in my chest, but I ignored it once the BF came in to visit for a little bit.
We got busy, so I had one second person get back on the clock, and help us out clean up and close. Every thing seemed normal. Nothing out of the ordinary. The BF left so I could finish cleaning up the lobby, and once I'm done, I head towards the office as I make sure my coworker is doing fine with the order she's about to cash out; half way to the office, I turned around to get something, and that's when my legs gave up and I fall to the ground when I hear "GIVE IT ALL UP!" and a shotgun is shoved through the Drive Thru window. My coworkers first reaction was to run to the back of the kitchen, and as I try to react, I see the man in black hoodie and half covered face trying to get in through the window, or what it seemed like it.
I can only manage to scream at my coworkers to go to the office, and we lock ourselves in there until the cops show up. 
I cannot describe how I felt at the moment. Today, I feel angry.
It went from freaked out and scared, to unsafe, to powerless for not doing much for my coworkers as I should have, to absolutely angry at the world. I was refusing to write about it, but it helps me clear my head, and I feel like this way I won't have to relive it in my head over and over; I had enough of it last night when the cops, doing their job, continued to ask the same questions forcing us to replay the scene. I'm done repeating myself regarding last night's events. I just want to feel safe, and that my coworkers can trust people again. It is not fair that we are staying in late to work for our paychecks while other low-life dirtbags think is okay to point a gun at you and terrorize you to give them money. Not okay at all. What kind of people just decide to do this for a living? I cannot comprehend the reasoning behind it, and honestly, I don't give a fuck about any of them. I just want them off the streets. Sadly enough, I am sure they have people that do care about them, and it'd be selfish of me to wish them death, but when you are in a place that you can't feel safe anymore, you will probably think the same that I do. God forgive me for such words, but for ten years I struggled with my family, some times we only had money to keep a roof over our heads, and we'd manage to eat whatever we could at school, and AT WORK while we waited on the next paycheck  to buy some groceries, if we had any leftover money after paying utilities; but never we had the idea to go and rob others to keep us well. Ten fucking years of struggle, but it never crossed my mind to stray off the path that I know was the right one, and do something so stupid and dirty. NEVER.
So if you read this, don't judge me. Let me vent my anger, please, I may change my mind in a couple of weeks, when I recover and feel somewhat safe again, but for now, I just want to say what it's eating my mind, and try to make the healing process faster. I am not a hateful person, I know I'll find the strength to forgive and forget, and leave it up to the MAN up above, that's all I can do for now.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Family Portrait

There was a time when my siblings and I didn't meet eye to eye; and it's normal, siblings fight and argue and laugh together and argue some more. There was a time when I had enough of my mother, and I was coming to the point of blaming her for my failures in life; and I wanted out. But then, life smacked me in the face and brought me back to reality.
One time, I couldn't find one of my brothers; he said he'd be at one place, and he wasn't. His phone was off, and nowhere to be found. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. Then, I get in trouble, and my mother scrambles all over the place to bond me out. The time that I was taken away, I realize that I cannot live without my family; they are everything to me. We have been through hell and back, but together -not many people can say that. I love my brothers, and my sister. I love my mother. We all had our differences at times, but we make it work, just like any other families do. Not matter what, we have made it through the darkest of the days. Perseverance.

A year and a half since I've moved out, I visit home and it's like old times every time. But I know that the years have gone by too fast. The youngest one is almost out of high school; the middle child is soon to be in his twenties; and my mother is still supporting us every step of the way. In the meantime, I'm here with my boyfriend, living together, making a family, happy and working on our goals.

Just want to let you know, tell your loved ones that you love them. I do.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Gay Relationship Are NOT Normal

Mitch and I have been together for a year and seven months. We've had, and still do, our share of fights, arguments, tears, laughs, boredom, naps, dances, parties, serious discussions, do laundry, cook, clean our house, worry about bills, worry about jobs, support each other when things aren't going well, visit each other's family, we adopted a puppy, we share responsibilities. So how would anyone dare to say that our relationship is different? We do what other couples do. How would anyone dare to say that what we have is
not what God intended? More importantly, how would anyone dare to speak in His behalf?
I'm not here to judge or hate on anyone for what they believe in, I'll leave that job to them. I'm here to share my happiness with ya'll, our support system, our friends and family that have been with us all along.

In 2011, while Mitch and I played the "question time" game to get to know each other, we learned that we both love vlogging; I may love it more than he does, maybe, since I'm constantly doing something, but that's besides the point. So somehow we came up with the idea of filming our lives throughout our relationship and see what happens, just for fun; that idea developed into a 'documentary' to show that gay couples are just like any other couples. We go through the same things, or mostly the same, from laughter to anger to jealousy to understanding to learning your partner's living habits, etc.
However, in the present day 2013, I no longer feel like we have ANYTHING to prove. The back up that Mitch and I have from our loved ones is something that bigots cannot take away from us; they can keep their sanctity of marriage, their 'family values' and their normalty, we have YOU that accept us for who we are, and not for who love. Mitch's family have come a long way, and I couldn't be happier for him, and for them; I've seen how fond they are of him, and it melts my heart to know that he is able to share his happiness with them too. On my side, my biggest fear was to give my younger brothers a bad image or bad example; I am not a role model of any kind, I must say, but I did my best to let my brothers know that they must learn from their mistakes and move forward. I came out to my mother, and she has been supportive ever since; my brothers figured it out on their own, with my slight hints and introducing them to the positive side of being gay -such as, we are human being after all. Shows like Will & Grace helped a lot; it's funny and it captured different type of gay guys. Dawson's Creek showed the pain that teens go through to come out. Degrassi was graphic about the bullying at school, and the fear we have to tell anyone. So yes, they have always been on my corner. And I couldn't be any luckier.

After long nights of going through months of footage, I'm done with Series One of our documentary, and we're ready for you all to see it. I hope you enjoy, and we'll keep filming as long as you all keep watching. Let us know what you think of our Crazy.Beautiful.Life.

Here's the link:
Suscribe. Like. Share.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Bipolar

I know that my last posts have been very depressing, and maybe a little too on the complaining side, but I'll make sure that this one isn't -as much. I just have not much going on, I mean, life nowadays is just work and home, which I am okay with; the point is, some times I am just boring. Hopefully the nice weather will help my mood, and boost it up ten times because God knows I need it. If you know me well, and I probably already said it, winter is not my season.

Anyway, as of last night at the job, I realized that I am not as tough as I used to be. Two summers ago, I was more strict when it came down to it, but today, I am a softy; I always have been. Yeah, I need to step my game up, I think. I mean, I am not demanding, I just am the way I need to be to get the job done, and that's what I get paid for. So yeah, if I have to keep someone till 2am to scrub the floors the way I want them done, I will. I had before. I do help when it's needed though, it's not like I just stand by and watch them work which I should because it is not in my job description. I was told that it's impossible to have done what I want them to in a fast pace; I reply, it is not. I did it when I was a crew member. There are others who are doing it. It takes practice, and common sense, but it can be done. I was not promoted to management for my pretty face which helps, but it wasn't mainly why; I believe I am damn good at it, and I can prove it anytime.

Now, in the positive side, as I was ironing my shirts today, I remembered when my Grandma used to get up at 5am to iron, and some times I would get up and read to her; it was the time when I was learning how to read, and I wanted to read pretty much anything. She would listen to me, or humor me, who knows! Point is, it made me miss her more than ever. And the other night, I was making tea for Mitch, and the smell of the tea made my eyes water. It was the tea she would have with her toast. It's been two years since she passed away, and I know she must be happy to be with her family again, those loved ones before us, but I can't help shed a tear here and there. She raised me, she made me who I am today, she spanked me when it was needed, and made sure that I took education very seriously. She did what she could, and she did an amazing job with me if I must say. But I will meet her again some time later when my time is done here.
With this said, NEVER TAKE FOR GRANTED ANY OF YOUR LOVED ONES.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Birthday Boy

And the countdown begins!
If I take a look back to reflect on what this decade in the US has made of my life, I could sadly say that I let some good opportunities pass me by for the fear of rejection, failure, and embarrassment. I am the one to blame, and I can do nothing about it now, but to say, DAMN WHAT IF?

I don't want to do that, though.
Yet, if I am going to move on, I need to let go of regrets, and look at what I actually accomplished.

In a few more years, I will no longer be in my twenties (which will suck because I will have to change the name to this blog, and I really like it), and I want to make the transition as painless as I can :)
I won't be a "young man" anymore. I will be more accountable for every single move I make. As of right now, I can still get away with some stuff, but not as many as I would want to; it's not okay, but I can put it on my inexperience. Five years from now, my mother will be the one to tell me that I know better than to do whatever I may be doing; no excuses, no BUTs. Actually, my mother wouldn't have to tell me anything because I myself would be wiser enough to differentiate; anyone in their right mind must know when we fuck up. It's common sense. It's logic.
I don't know where this blog is going, I guess I'm just rambling, scared of knowing that I am slowly falling into my old age, and it's scary indeed. For example, what am I doing with my life? Is what I'm doing the right decision? What if I fail? What if I don't get to where I want to get? I don't want to feel like that teenager I once was, that teenager was mean for a reason: he was fucking terrified of growing up.

Today, I have a family to support. A mother that will soon become older, and she'll probably end up in my care, and I feel like I haven't accomplished enough. I feel like what I have, what I once felt proud of, is not going to cut it anymore. Am I the only one with this fear going through my mind? Is there anyone else feeling like this? I want my birthday to be a happy one, but the more I think about it, the more scared I get.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Like A Boss

Number one, I talk smack, but I back it up, most of the times -after all, I am only human. Sometimes I may talk out of my ass, and who hasn't?! However, I am going to go back and apologize when I am in the wrong. And today, and lately as matter of fact, I haven't been.

This blog is about my job. I manage a fast food place, as you all should know since you are my friends and stuff, but in these four years that I've worked there, NEVER have I ever called anyone MY EMPLOYEES just because I am in a higher position. Bitch, we make tacos and burritos!
I am the one to blame when something goes wrong in the store.
I am the one that faces the angry customers when we mess up.
I am the one to respond when money is missing or the inventory doesn't add up.
But this does not give me any more power over anyone. I don't own the place. I don't pay any of them out of my own pocket. I am just another employee. I am as replaceable as they are. We all are. And this rant comes from probably a very innocent comment someone made about me, but I cannot seem to let go; it still bothers me. I am sorry, it is childish to be upset over this, but I can't help it. It's just a matter of choosing your words. If you know me, as Mitch does, I am very picky when I speak; for once, English is my second language so I feel like I have to be very careful with my vocabulary just so I don't get my message misinterpreted, or lost in translation. And second, I carry myself as a smart man, an educated man -but with some flaws still- and I don't want to say something that will be dragged longer than it's needed to be, as this is. I believe we all should do this. Nowadays, there is no excuse for anything.

Now I know who I am, and where I stand, so it is time to let it slide. The person didn't even realize the expansion of the ripple that her comment made, and ignorance is indeed a bliss. But I am taking option C, and I am going to move on. I am not going to brag of how good I am at my job, which I know I am:) but I will tell you this much, you come to my store and you treat us nicely, and you will be golden.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Blog Without A Reason

Life has become monotonous. I haven't checked off any of my New Year's resolutions, not that I ever had, but I was hoping that this year would be different; I know, there is no one else to blame but me. I should try harder and get to it. And it's not like my life is very hectic at this point in life, I just have been slacking, if I must say the truth; that's what I mean when I say life is monotonous. I wake up, I check Facebook/ Tumblr/ Instagram/ Twitter/ YouTube/ etc, sometimes I reply to texts messages, and then it's time to work, and my day is gone. Winter is not my season. Never has. I need some motherfucker sun. Now.
I know I am very productive, active, smart, hardworker, and fun. But I seem to be lacking some motivation. I even stopped writing when no long ago I blogged about how much I was enjoying getting back on that mode, the writing and expressing myself through it. Writer's block strikes, and I am left alone. What is wrong with me? Am I the only one that has this happened? Is this my mid-life crisis? What is mid-life crisis?
I guess the main point is, if you guys have anything going on, and it's not too expensive of course because I am a broke hoe with lots of bills, let me know. And make sure I follow through. So far, I have signed up for the ILLUMINITE RUN with a friend, and I'll try to convince Mitch; that way if I die halfway through the run, I won't die alone. And he won't get a chance to be happy after my death haha
I'm open to suggestions. Don't let my 2013 go to waste!

I am looking forward to our bday weekend next month, but besides that, not much going on. Maybe Cinco de Mayo, but that's lame. And Fourth of July, but I hate fireworks. Then Pride, but I can't stand the gays. I kid I kid. As you see, my choices seem to slim to none. Save me?

xoxo

Thursday, March 7, 2013

March Madness

It's the beginning of a new month, and pretty soon, another season as well. I took a break not because I wanted to, but because my computer was messed up. It's been fixed so I'm back in business, and while I was away, I fully realize how important writing is to me. It makes me feel complete. It's like a load taken off my shoulders, being able to speak my mind without watching what I say trying to spare somebody's feelings. I can always go back and edit, put it down in a different way, be reasonable. I am an adult, I don't have the time to argue with others; I am too old for that. My mother taught me better than that, and life shaped me up with this theory: "I could stoop down to other people's level, but it's unfair when they can't step up to mine."

In the past weeks several things have happened, and I'll tell you if you're interested on keep reading.
One is, I got a raise in my pay at the restaurant where I work at as manager if I come back full time; of course I said yes. The schedule is more flexible than that bank so it works out perfectly. I turned in my two week notice at the bank, and it was  hard to do it because I had bonded with everyone, and leaving is sad. But I have to do what I have to do; I have a family to support, and things to accomplish in life. Another offer was made by the bank, and it works out just fine as well so I took it. Ain't nobody own me so I am going to do what it's good for my floofies and me. My work ethic is very good, I must say, and perhaps that's why these two jobs take chances on me, who knows!
The restaurant, for sure, has been the best of all. Since 2009 that I began as a crew member, they've got my back, and throughout the years, we've been faithful to each other. Perhaps is not the best job, or what I want to do for the rest of my life, but for now it's paying the bills, and I am damn good at it too.
The bank is challenging due to the language barrier, but I surely try my hardest. Mitchell helped me keep strong when I thought I couldn't do it. He made me think it twice before I made any hasty decisions. He believed in me when I myself didn't, and I thank him for that; he's always been there for me from the start. No wonder why we're still together, right?

My family, mother and brothers, are going through their own issues, but life itself is okay. We've been through worse, definetly. Bills and regular stuff that everyone has to deal with, no biggie. Let's just keep working hard, and never giving up. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Affirmation

I support legalization of weed. 
I am pro-choice.
I am against texting and driving.
I am pro drug testing to qualify for welfare.
I am pro amnesty for undocumented citizens in the country.
I dislike how nosy the US is in other countries affairs. 
I can't stand Oprah.
Pro gay rights. 
Don't think banning guns will solve crime.
Don't think is the breed, but the owner.

And I can give you the reasons why to all of the statements above, and several of you can disagree, and that's okay with me; but some others will be upset, and try to tell me otherwise. We forget that as humans, we all are going to have different opinions, and we forget to learn how to let things go; stand up for your beliefs, yes, but you cannot push them down people's throats. Isn't this the land of the free?
I believe that alcohol and other drugs do more harm than marijuana; how many accidents are caused by drunk drivers? There are real criminals out in the streets. Leave the potheads alone.
I believe that you are the only one to decide what to do with your own vagina.
Phones have taken over our lives. They are a huge influence on society nowadays, and very distracting; it's dangerous to people driving, and those walking in busy streets.
And don't get me started on food stamps and unemployment!
Taxes taken out of illegal immigrants are not claimed for obvious reasons, so where does that money go? I'll tell you that some percentage of it goes to pay for prisons. To support real criminals! Are you fucking kidding me!? When someone has killed or raped or stole, the government pretty much pays them for food, leisure, and health care just to stay incarcerated; but God forbids someone crosses the border illegally and gets minimum wage jobs!
And why are our troops risking their lives somewhere else when this country has its own issues to work on?

And I just don't like Oprah. No reason whatsoever. I just think she is very obnoxious and overrated.

The biggest issue, I would say is LGBTQ civil rights. I'll put it this way, "First they came for the Jews..."
Are we really going to repeat history and have a group of people ripped off their equality and freedom? Didn't we learn from our ancestors who slaved blacks, regarded women as nothing but, segregated or cleansed cultures? Don't we know better!? 

And the last two in this list at the top go hand in hand: guns don't kill people. PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE. So shouldn't we worry about bringing up children who knows better than us? Our knowledge comes from our parents, good or bad, we take in what we go through, and it's our job to make ourselves better so our future generation won't repeat the mistakes we did. We learn from our parents, and we'll be parents soon, so let's be good teachers. Show tolerance, love, unity, respect, common sense, hard work, education, responsibility, honesty, family values. It's us who will make the difference. I had a dog that was very dangerous, and she wasn't a pitbull; it was how I raised her. 

Are you getting my message!?

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Los Caminos De La Vida

Ha pasado una década desde aquella templada tarde que dije adiós a ciertos amigos en México, una decisión que no me arrepiento haber tomado, pero si que tomaría en consideración mis actos y las consecuencias. Sin embargo, yo creo que todo pasa por una razón, y hoy que puedo ver el resultado, yo les debo una explicación a todos ustedes; es por eso que les dedico esta nota.

No voy a gastar tiempo en detalles que ahora no valen la pena recordar, ya sea por mi edad o por peras o manzanas, o porque pensé que ya no tenia yo un motivo para quedarme en el pueblo, decidí tomar la oferta que mi abuelita me dio, y que me brinco la frontera para el Norte, a juntar los dolares, a vivir el dichoso sueno Americano. Pero que va! Que me toca la de perder. En resumen, esta de la chingada por acá, igual que lo es por allá; la diferencia para mi fue que ya no había marcha atrás. Si ustedes me conocen bien, yo fui criado por mi abuelita, y pues siendo ella una ancianita, yo tuve que morderme los huevos y aguantar lo que este país me daba -lo cual no era mucho.
Todo lo que he vivido aquí me ha dado una lección que hoy tomo mucho en cuenta para cualquier cosa que tengo que hacer, pues no importa que pequeño arranque, siempre viene con su pago, bueno o malo. Y el escarmiento de esta aventura ha sido muy grande.
Cuando empece a trabajar, supe que no haría nada sin Ingles, así que con el apoyo de mi madre, que me meto a la escuela para terminar la Preparatoria. Durante esos cinco anos de escuela, si hice cinco buenos amigos que mantengo a la actualidad, son muchos. La cultura aquí es tan diferente, obviamente, que fue un tanto difícil adaptarme, pero una vez que logre ese objetivo, tome muy malas decisiones. Yo se que cuando somos jóvenes nos creemos capaz de dominar al mundo; la triste verdad es que el mundo es nuestro amo, y nosotros sus esclavos. No argumento. Simplemente así es.
Poco a poco empece a contactar a todos ustedes que ahora leen esto, por medio de Facebook, y me alegra saber de sus vidas ahora; han pasado tantas cosas en la mía también y quiero compartirlas con ustedes. Por ejemplo, y quizá el proposito mas grande de esta nota es el decirles (o mas bien, confirmarles) que soy gay. Esto no es nuevo, ni para mi ni para ustedes; es una característica que todos sabíamos pero que no decíamos -o al menos no enfrente de mi, jaja
Tengo una pareja, se llama Mitch, y hemos estado juntos por un ano y seis meses. Pueden ver fotos de el en mi Facebook, o en esta pagina, al lado de esta nota. Mi familia me apoya en todo lo que decidido, y no podría yo ser mas feliz. Mi razón de confesarles esta parte de mi vida es porque quiero darles el mensaje que no importa lo que nos suceda, siempre habrá una solución, solamente no te rindas, porque todo saldrá bien, y tendrás un final feliz. Y la vida sigue adelante. Te traerá risas y lagrimas, con el paso del tiempo, pero es parte del contrato cuando nacemos. Nos tenemos uno al otro, y esto es mi segundo mensaje: cuenten conmigo, pues en lo que pueda yo ayudar, aqui estaré.

Ahora espero en el momento en que pueda regresar a mi Mexico querido, con papeles o sin papeles, en el 2016 por alla llegare. Quiero ver a todos, conocer a su nueva familia que han formado. Quiero caminar por las calles que no he visto en un buen tiempo. Quiero recordar buenas memorias que tenemos. Quiero comer nuestra comida autentica. Quiero ver a la poca familia que me queda allá. Quiero visitar la catedral. Quiero visitar la tumba de mi querida abuelita. Algún día. No perdamos la fe, y continuemos esforzándonos por lo mejor.
Con afecto, abrazos. Y los veo pronto.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Between Somewhere & Nothing

A few months ago I wrote a short story* that made me think, and reconsider my life. My priorities. My passion for writing. My purpose in life. And I still can't stop thinking about it.

The reason why I started writing a blog is simple, I enjoy writing. It's my passion in life, to tell stories, to give life to characters that live in paper and ink, characters that vibrate one line after another. I used to write a lot often. I kept a journal for ten years, if not longer than that. But then, something happened and I lost the interest for it; I don't know why, and it's no the point to find out what it was. 
I posted some short stories that I had written before, and I got some good reviews, but it wasn't a consistent thing to do, the sharing of my writing on that website. 
Recently, I was encouraged to continue writing. To even keep a personal blog which I already had, but it came to an end when I read some of the dumb posts that I had up there. Yet, the flame was still alive, and I started this blog. I want to rediscover the love for writing. I want to share my life with you through writing, if you allow me. I believe we all have a story to tell, and I would love for you to hear me out; maybe there's no one reading this, but one, and that's myself -And that's the main reason why I'm doing this, to find myself again. To find my voice and my direction, because I feel like I'm lost. 

Is it normal for a person my age to be confused, as if I were a teenager? I mean, I know what I am made of, I've been tested, and my roots stand still. But the course of my branches is wavering.

I enjoy the jobs that I have, they pay the bills, but I do not want to stay there. I want to do more, to move up, to make a change, to shake it up. I want to go to school, but I don't want to suffer financially; many times was I in the verge of eviction, and one time I shared a small back porch with my family and all our belongings, and I refuse to go through that again. However, it seems like this society programmed us for either failure or success, but what is success? I don't want a career. It's boring. I don't want a job that I'll dread going in to. But there aren't other acceptable options out there. No college degree, most of the time, equals to defeat; not that college is THE only option, yet the more education some people get, the more ignorant they become with all that self-righteous crap their heads fill up with.
I don't know. There are many things that confuse me and that I want to explore, but some of them I simply cannot meet ends for several reasons, and I guess, more than anything, it makes me resentful towards those taking for granted the privilege of an education.

Some day, I tell you, I will get there. I'm taking a detour, but I'll catch up. 

Don't Let Me Get Me (Part Two)

I was aware of what eating disorders were, and of their consequences. But I also came to enjoy the gratifying sensation that empowered me to have control over my life, or so I thought. Then reality came to slap me right out of that illusion; I wasn't calling the shots -my bulimia was.

I have faced my demons, and I am not scared of them anymore. The inner struggle lives on to the minute I type this blog. I do not purge any longer; it has been a while since the last time I did, but I can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind. It's a voice I haven't been able to shut completely out; it's a never ending fight against the mirror, but I just learned to live with it. It's not healthy, but there isn't much I can do now. I'm a strong bitch, if you must know what my opinion is regarding that subject.
It wasn't until my fourteenth birthday that I got help. I spent two years purging, on and off, breaking mirrors in my house with my bare hands, trying to find something to induce the vomit when my fingers stopped doing the trick, fighting with family members and friends that cared about my well being, and throwing low blows to alienate them all. When I said that there was no one that hated me the most more than myself, I meant it. The drastic change would be obvious to the naked eye, but no one cared to stop and watch my decay because to them, I wasn't any different -I was still being the egocentric bitch that I always was.
How I was rescued on time is something that I can only tell you, but cannot explain in detail. Some people in the background just didn't give up on me and stuck around to get me back on my feet when I needed someone there. I was lucky. I was blessed when they decided to stay even when I tried to kick them out.
I guess the moral of this story, and to conclude this chapter of my life, is that "NO ONE IS FREE TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT WHENEVER THEY WANT; NOT IF SOMEONE CARES ABOUT THEM." That's what certain someone told me once when I considered quitting high school, an anecdote that I might tell you some day.

So friends, I'm still alive for a reason, and while I'm at it, if I see you doing something that may be hurtful to yourself or others, count on me to call you out and bug you until you realize that I care and that I am here no matter what. We may not always be together, or hang out all the time, or talk all the time, but I owe you that much  for the memories that we made.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Ten Years Later

For seven months, last year, I wasn't able to work. Being an independent person, and the fact that my partner and I had barely been dating for three months, it was hard for me to let him take the responsibility to pay the house bills; he was more than happy to help me through that rough time, and I cannot thank him enough for standing by my side. Today, we have been together for a year and four months, and I couldn't have been any happier; unless we could marry without having to go to another state. My point is, my past is the foundation of my present, and I am a better man for him, for my family, and for myself nonetheless.

I wouldn't change a thing I lived because, good or bad, it made me who I am now. If I hadn't gone through that, I probably wouldn't have learned the lesson I got out of it. A decade in the USA doesn't sound too long, but when you measure it in memories and good friendships, I sure know that it has been an eternity. Yourself can tell how different you were in 2002 from today. The laughs, the tears, the fun, the fears, etc.
People are right when they say that we never know what we have until it's gone. When I left Mexico, I thought I didn't have any reasons to stay anymore; my family was moving here, I was going through the usual teenage drama phase and I isolated myself to the point that I truly believed to be on my own. No fifteen year old wants to be alone, no matter how much we hate the world; it's human nature to be linked to someone, and after a year or so, it hit me how big of a decision I had made. Today, I try to reach out and stay in touch with those I left behind. It's been a minute, maybe a few years in reality, but we still reminisce on the times we spent together. We laugh and we exchange stories. We catch up on recent events in our lives. Yes, ten years is a pretty lengthy distance in between.

So hold dearly those that you love. Make sure that they know how much you appreciate them. From your siblings, to your parents, to your friends, to your significant other. Be there for one another. We have NO DAY BUT TODAY.

Don't Let Me Get Me (Part One)

I am in my mid twenties. A grown man, and I still struggle with the person in the mirror staring back at me.

I thought that I was over it, that it was left behind in the memory box of my thirteen birthday, along with my dairies and photographs that speak volumes about who I really am: not the asshole I pretend to be, but the scared little boy seeking for understanding. I guess some of us take a little longer to grow out of the box that others put us into because we allowed them to begin with.
As a child I was expected to be nothing but perfection, or it felt like it anyway. My grandmother raised me which isn't out of the ordinary, growing up in a small town in Mexico is typical for this to happen; parents leave their children to seek better jobs in the USA. I come from a big family that went through a lot of hardship after Grandpa died; they pretty much had to raise one another while working to put food on the table. My generation didn't have to work in the fields like our parents did, we are the lucky ones. Especially myself, the orphan that Grandma took in. How I ended up under Grandma's care is a whole different, and irrelevant to this, story. Point being, I was the one enjoying the good life and I better take advantage of it, I was suggested by some family members.
At nine years old, I didn't know what had happened in the past that put a scarlet letter on my back, but I was  constantly reminded that I was the spoiled brat. Such memories have no longer effect on me as I am an adult, and I honestly don't give a damn. However, at that impressionable age, I did take it to heart. It hurt. It scarred me for the following ten years.
Not only was I trying to understand my upbringing, but at the same time, I started to notice that I didn't look at girls the way other boys did; it was very confusing and I had no one to go to. People whispering in my ear the reasons why I was left with Grandma, people calling me names because I had more female friends, people telling me how smart I was and that I had to keep up the good work, people physically attacking me and harassing me for some odd reason I couldn't see myself. "Keep it cool," I told myself, "You have to stick it out a little bit longer; you have no choice."
And I did it. I stopped eating in order to keep control over my life; how could I deserve a meal when I didn't achieve more than I could have? I didn't say a word about the feelings I developed for a boy at age eleven, even though I wanted to scream that I liked him just the way my classmates began to like the opposite sex. I got tired to be pushed around too many times, and I pushed back, and I became the bully. I kept the good grades that I was expected to get. And I overlooked my past which I keep doing to the present day.

I did what I thought everyone wanted me to do, and I was hoping to be happy, but it never happened. Instead, I hated myself more than anyone ever did. So, influenced by the media and convinced that I deserved the punishment, I started purging in my twelve birthday.